Jeff Foxworthy Quotes

28 Sourced Quotes

Whatever cleaning goes on on the planet, women do 99% of it. But see, women are not as proud of their 99% as men are of our one! We clean something up, we're gonna talk about it all year long. It might be on the news, you don't know. A woman could be out re-paving the driveway. Men actually have enough gall to run out on the porch and go "Hey baby? Man, it's hot as hell out here, ain't it! Look, don't worry about emptyin' that ashtray in the den, I done got it, all right? Did it for you, sweet pea. I'm gonna go take a nap now, all right?"

Jeff Foxworthy
You might be a redneck if you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Jeff Foxworthy
If you're a man and you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay or married.

Jeff Foxworthy
Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it.

Jeff Foxworthy
My mother won't drive 50 miles an hour. You put her in a rental car, she's doing doughnuts in the grocery store parking lot!

Jeff Foxworthy
It's not my dreams that get me in trouble, it's the things my wife dreams I did... My wife punched me in the middle of the night; I woke up, I was like "Oww! What was that for?" She said "I dreamt you were making out with Faith Hill." I said "I wasn't dreaming anything! Send her over to my dream, we'll both be happy."

Jeff Foxworthy
I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

Jeff Foxworthy
My mom thinks my new daughter is exceptionally bright, because now she will lie on the floor and talk to the ceiling fan. I said, "Mom, Uncle Harold does that and y'all call him an alcoholic."

Jeff Foxworthy
I've often said working with Larry is a lot like watching the Jerry Springer Show. After five minutes, you will feel better about your own family.

Jeff Foxworthy
A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic — bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta — the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you love Jesus". I toot the horn a couple times, and the guy flipped me off.

Jeff Foxworthy
Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it.

Jeff Foxworthy
Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? 'Cause there's no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

Jeff Foxworthy
You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.

Jeff Foxworthy
I think [the designated driver program] is a great idea, because anything is safer than the way we used to do it: "Hey dude, get up! Give us a ride home, man! C'mon, whaddaya say? We'll buy ya a beer!"... The only problem with the designated driver program [is] it's not the world's most desirable job... But if you ever get talked into doing it, have fun with the group. Like at the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong damn house, preferably in their boss's front yard or something.

Jeff Foxworthy
[what men are thinking] I'd like a beer and I'd like to see something naked.

Jeff Foxworthy
You don't have the stupidest family in the world, you don't have the goofiest family in the world. And if you ever need to verify that, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Five minutes at a fair, you'll be going, "You know what? We're all right. We're dang near royalty!"

Jeff Foxworthy
People always ask me, "Did you see Larry's latest movie?" I always say, "No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet, so I feel like I've seen it."

Jeff Foxworthy
[from a skit about airports] You know you're in trouble when at the control tower, there's a note taped to the door that says "Back in five minutes."

Jeff Foxworthy
Women [in bed] are kind of like diesel engines. You know, it may take a little bit to get them going, but once you do, they can run a long, long time. Men, on the other hand, we're more like... bottle rockets. <makes noise of a bottle rocket launching and then exploding> Ooh. Aah. <snores>

Jeff Foxworthy
When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, "Let him pull it on his head a few times, he'll learn. You wanna put a penny in the light socket? Try that out. OHH! Hurt like hell, didn't it? Don't do that no more."

Jeff Foxworthy
Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard. And if you play with 'em too hard, they'll spew like a can of beer. I like to shake my daughter up, then hand her to people I don't like. "Hold her just a minute, would you?"

Jeff Foxworthy
[On why criminals rob nice-looking houses] You come up on a house where the grass is this tall, and there's a dog chained to the clothesline, and a motor swinging in the tree, buddy, that's a house where a gun lives! And you want to find out what kind it is, just crawl through the window after dark.

Jeff Foxworthy
You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers... I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!

Jeff Foxworthy
On life's list of fun things to do, [visiting my in-laws] comes in somewhere below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

Jeff Foxworthy
To his wife:
You do not have testicular cancer. You don't even have "testiculars"!

Jeff Foxworthy