Larry the Cable Guy Quotes

40 Sourced Quotes

Had a buddy of mine caught a rainbow trout, and threw it back. He said he didn't want a gay fish.

Larry the Cable Guy
A great-great grandpa (there might be another great in there, I'm not sure) offered a gun and horse to anyone that would join the Confederacy in '64. Who cares if it was 1964. Give the guy a break. He had Alzheimer's and thought he was Jefferson Davis.

Larry the Cable Guy
I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin. And I'm like, "Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them!"

Larry the Cable Guy
I used to be a bitch. I met her at Hooters. She didn't have big boobs, but she could turn her head in a circle just like an owl.

Larry the Cable Guy
I got so pissed I took a little poll to see if anyone was sick of gettin' taxed as much as I am. I called 100 people one night and here's the results: everyone I polled said, "You dumb ass, it's three o'clock in the morning!"

Larry the Cable Guy
My mom went to that same doctor and got a butt lift. It's a little too lifted, I think, alright. Now every time she farts only dogs can hear it.

Larry the Cable Guy
I was madder than a pervert with palsy trying to open up a condom wrapper, I'll tell you what.

Larry the Cable Guy
Chenney shots his buddy in the face. Clinton shot his intern in the face.

Larry the Cable Guy
Oh like you never did that before! Every man - every man has done this! Just tuck your weiner between your legs, run around your house, lookit at yourself in the mirror, and say, "Oh, hey there, I'm Roseanne!" You know, like on the Rosie O'Fatass show.

Larry the Cable Guy
Them [gas] prices are higher than a bus load of Mexicans at the Los Lobos concert.

Larry the Cable Guy
Do deaf people have alarm clocks? I asked a deaf guy that one time, the sumbitch just stared at me.

Larry the Cable Guy
I like to hunt. We went to a nuclear power and hunted in the woods next to it. I got a 34-point rabbit in there. We always go at night. It's easier. All the critters glow in the dark out there.

Larry the Cable Guy
You know, you can tell the difference between a terrorist and a toddler. On a terrorist, the diaper is gonna be on the head, all right? That's how you can tell the difference. [very loud applause] It's upsetting. Unbelievable. They got absolutely nothing in common except both diapers are full of crap.

Larry the Cable Guy
Have you noticed lately how video games are getting way more sexually explicit and violent? I really gotta buy me one of them games!

Larry the Cable Guy
This lady's suin' everybody in the whole friggin' county! She's like— she's like, "My husband got his leg bit by a shark and no one jumped in and saved him!" No shit, lady! It's a friggin' shark! Get off your fat ass and save him! That's jus' like asking a retard to go out and beat up Jackie Chan! Well, the waterhead's gonna get his ass kicked! I tell ya, put that shark out in the parking lot of Walmart, I'll kick the shit outa him! I'll beat him silly all day long!

Larry the Cable Guy
That show Biggest Loser is a dumb show. If I wanted to see fat people struggle with their weight, I'd go to my family reunion!

Larry the Cable Guy
I like Halloween, you people like Halloween? [Audience cheers] I love it, too. My brother got in trouble last Halloween for toilet-papering people's houses. He said, "Dude, I didn't know that was illegal!" I said, "It ain't, but you are supposed to use fresh toilet paper. Pull your pants up and stop pooping in those pumpkins, too! For God's sake, you're the sheriff!"

Larry the Cable Guy
Then there's a feller who got hit by a train! How the - how the heck do y'get hit by a train! I mean it's not like it'll jump up and attack ya at the last minute or nothin'! There's, like, a railroad there to give ya, y'know, a heads up sign! I tell ya, if you ever gonna get hit by a train, do this: [steps to side] TA-DA! There ya go! Attaboy!

Larry the Cable Guy
You ever go eat breakfast at Denny's, and then go to the toilet and sit in there so long you gotta order lunch from the stool? You ever do that? Now I know why they call it the Grand Slam?

Larry the Cable Guy
[In reference to Playstation Football] Here's an idea! Why don't they make a button that says frickin' "pass"!

Larry the Cable Guy
I went to the Talladega 500 with a girl I had just met. She was very sweet with childlike qualities. No titties!

Larry the Cable Guy
Boy I tell you what, if I were a girl, I'd never shave! I'd look like I'm smuggling around Chewbacca in my underbritches!

Larry the Cable Guy
If you're in a Gay Mafia and you get whacked, is that good or bad? [gay voice] Say hello to my little friend.

Larry the Cable Guy
I'll tell ya the one thing you don't wanna buy at the dollar store - toilet paper. (laughs) I might as well have just used the dollar.

Larry the Cable Guy
I was madder than a Keebler elf getting demoted to fudge-packer.

Larry the Cable Guy
You can always tell when gas is expensive. You always see street gangs doing walk-bys.

Larry the Cable Guy
Good Lord, I went in for a check up the other day and the doctor said "You need to lay off eggs." I go "Is my cholesterol bad?" He said "No, you're farts are killing everybody in this room."

Larry the Cable Guy
Actually, you can make pretty good cash on stage without being a comedian or a stripper. My brother once won a talent contest by fartin' the song "Dixie" through an oil funnel. He not only took home 500 bucks, he got to meet Regis after the show. Who says dreams don't come true?

Larry the Cable Guy
My buddy Ron (Tater Salad) White talks about drinking my dip cup accidentally to swallow some aspirin. I was there when it happened and laughed my ass off. Was he amused? Of course not, but since it wasn't me drinkin' week-old Skoal spit it was downright comical!

Larry the Cable Guy
That was scarier than Richard Simmons chasin' after you with a box of rubbers!

Larry the Cable Guy