Tim Allen Quotes

21 Sourced Quotes

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Tim Allen
I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)

Tim Allen
Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, "And let there be aluminum siding." Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree's on a golf course, all the better.

Tim Allen
As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.

Tim Allen
The ego is like a kid in the basement: It's best to keep him busy.

Tim Allen
Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of "Yeah, we might have to reboot."

Tim Allen
When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.

Tim Allen
One of the best pieces of advice my mother gave me was "Make your bed in other people's homes. That way you get invited back."

Tim Allen
The greatest missile in the world is useless...unless it's targeted. A torpedo is adrift unless it has someplace to go. An arrow is pointless unless it hits something. So it's important for kids — for everyone, even if you fail at first — to target something and head in that direction. With all your might.

Tim Allen
I'm sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.

Tim Allen
I blend memories. I blend them into one that's funny. I exaggerate to clarify.

Tim Allen
In politics, there's compromise and everyone feels like shit. In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.

Tim Allen
Before Kady was born, I didn't think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are nice, play with them, put them in the closet until the next time.

Tim Allen
Being wealthy when no one else is is like being the only one at the party with a drink.

Tim Allen
My aunt, thirty years a feminist, says, A car is just an extension of your penis. Oh, I wish.

Tim Allen
My stepfather stepped in where no man would've stepped in — six kids, five of them boys — and that's heroic.

Tim Allen
When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine — this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.

Tim Allen
A car crossed two lanes of traffic, flipped, and landed on my dad's car. I don't blame cars. My dad loved cars. I don't have many memories of my dad. The love of cars is all I have of him, really.

Tim Allen
Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.

Tim Allen
You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.

Tim Allen
I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.

Tim Allen