American Comedian Quotes

Steve Rossi: What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
Allen: Erotic sex, you use a feather.
Rossi: And, what about kinky sex?
Allen: You use the whole chicken.

There are two things in life that keep me motivated, a cup of coffee and a second cup of coffee.

George, you're too old to get married again. Not only can't you cut the mustard, honey, you're too old to open the jar.

At a dinner to honour George Burns

I just had to be strong enough to allow myself to be vulnerable. Great Lesson. For art and for life.

I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, "Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!?" And Batman said, "Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through."
[yelling] BATMAN HAS A MORE NUANCED WORLDVIEW THAN THE PRESIDENT.

Hang by your thumbs, everybody! Write if you get work!

Bob Elliott (comedian)

Abbott: Now, on the St Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third.
Costello: That's what I want to find out.

On being observed by his wife kissing a chorus girl:

I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering into her mouth.

Life is full of disappointments. And by "disappointments" I mean "people."

To be honest, I tend to romanticize the past, and though I appreciate all the conveniences of modern life, sometimes I yearn for simpler times.

On doing voiceover:

A lot of people think that it's easy to just go and talk in front of a microphone and that's not the case. You're not just talking, you're acting. You're acting in front of a microphone as opposed to a camera. It's a lot more specific of a technique than most people think. It's not, Oh, do a silly voice! Try doing a silly voice for four hours, then take a lunch break, and then do another silly voice for four hours. It's not easy, especially because it's about the acting. So I think that mindset is a little off.

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

Jack E. Leonard

All religions are the same: religion is basically guilt, with different holidays.

Modesty is the artifice of actors, similar to passion in call-girls.

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.

Only sad sacks and conformists need things like no kiss on New Year's Eve to remind them to feel lonely. They're as bad as the people who need St. Patty's Day as an excuse to get drunk or Halloween to wear slutty outfits. You can feel sorry for yourself and dress like a hooker all year round: Hallmark never needs to know.

In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

I knew that if I was going to write a book, I was going to have to read one, too.

Michael Showalter

I want to tell you about a woman I have been married to for ten years, my wife, Ann, who speaking truthfully, saved me from myself. Who saved me from destroying myself because of my background. Who saved me from wasting my life, drinking my life away, never fulfilling my dreams because of what I had come from, and truly believing and loving - truly the first person to ever truthfully, unconditionally love me.

Parents don't realize that when they teach you about the Holocaust too early, it ruins you for life.

Most people unfamiliar with the men in a new town might search for love until they find it. I picked out some guy on my second day in LA, who worked at the local bicycle shop, and handed my virginity to him. You can fill a tire? Sounds good to me. Let's call it a date. Needless to say he wasn't Mr. Right.

Every black American is bilingual. We speak street vernacular and job interview.

My grandmother's name is Estelle Marie Talley. She's not here tonight. And this is going to be the toughest part. But she was my first acting teacher. She told me to stand up straight. Put your shoulders back. Act like you got some sense.... She still talks to me now. Only now, she talks to me in my dreams. And I can't wait to go to sleep tonight because we got a lot to talk about.

Russian men have a saying: "Women are like buses..." That's it.

Who is more irrational, the guy who believes in a God he can't see, or a guy who's offended by a God he doesn't believe in?