Craig Ferguson Quotes

33 Sourced Quotes

There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.

Craig Ferguson
The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.

Craig Ferguson
Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken.

Craig Ferguson
The Universe is very, very big. It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules. Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever. Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. Rule number two: Everything lasts forever.

Craig Ferguson
Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies.

Craig Ferguson
I did have a love for literature that overpowered my hatred of the people who taught it, and I think because I had no respect for the teachers, their attitude didn't poison the writing that I was discovering for myself.

Craig Ferguson
There are bound to be some lies here, but I've been telling them so long they've become truth, my truth, as close as I can get to what really happened.

Craig Ferguson
Fraser's mother, Janice, was actually quite a happy soul but she had to hide it because, like all pseudo intellectuals, she thought being cheery made her look stupid, which of course she was for believing that rubbish in the first place. She like to talk about Sartre sometimes, just as insurance.

Craig Ferguson
Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you'll make it.

Craig Ferguson
I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.

Craig Ferguson
Change is the law of God's mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain.

Craig Ferguson
It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe...

Craig Ferguson
It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.

Craig Ferguson
That's the thing about terrorism - it works. Especially for the terrorists - they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.

Craig Ferguson
Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a year. The feeling of what if when meeting the eyes of a stranger can be love unrecognized.

Craig Ferguson
The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It's camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it.

Craig Ferguson
For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say "Good morning, sir" or "madam," depending on what is appropriate, you wait until you are greeted, you make polite chitchat about the weather or some such, and when the salesperson asks what they can do for you, then and only then do you bring up the vulgar business of the transaction you require.

Craig Ferguson
Relax, you're among friends now. The long hard day is over and the roly-poly funny man is before you.

Craig Ferguson
I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing [sic] me.

Craig Ferguson
This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

Craig Ferguson
Sober alkies are often asked: "When did you hit rock bottom?" but a more informed question might be: "How many times did you hit rock bottom?"

Craig Ferguson
I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.

Craig Ferguson
Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form.

Craig Ferguson
Maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun."

Craig Ferguson
That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.

Craig Ferguson
He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly-headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs.

Craig Ferguson
Failure is not a disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one.... My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't.

Craig Ferguson
Oh, this isn't a talk show; it's more just filling time, really, 'til the infomercials start.

Craig Ferguson
I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie.

Craig Ferguson
Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often. Like when a bumblebee flies or an ancient regime is toppled.

Craig Ferguson