George Carlin Quotes

274 Sourced Quotes

Have you noticed when you wear a hat for a long time it feels like it's not there anymore? And then when you take it off it feels like it's still there?

George Carlin
The habits of liberals, their automatic language, their knee-jerk responses to certain issues, deserved the epithets the right wing stuck them with. I'd see how true they often were. Here they were, banding together in packs, so I could predict what they were going to say about some event or conflict and it wasn't even out of their mouths yet. I was very uncomfortable with that. Liberal orthodoxy was as repugnant to me as conservative orthodoxy.

George Carlin
Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car.

George Carlin
Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations; he just dropped by. And somehow they always found him a table.

George Carlin
The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.

George Carlin
People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.

George Carlin
On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.

George Carlin
Every time you're exposed to advertising in America you're reminded that this country's most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution, and marketing of bullshit. High-quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure American bullshit.

George Carlin
Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: Take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.

George Carlin
People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

George Carlin
You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montanta, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.

George Carlin
Movies and television don't make you violent; all they do is channel the violence more creatively.

George Carlin
My advice: Just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.

George Carlin
I was looking in the mirror the other day and I realized I haven't changed much since I was in my twenties. The only difference is I look a whole lot older now.

George Carlin
There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.

George Carlin
A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.

George Carlin
Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.

George Carlin
Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.

George Carlin
An outsider longing to be on the inside is the same as the soloist longing to work in an ensemble. I get great satisfaction in being a part of the proper - for me - community. I'm uncomfortable with various social groupings and clusterings. But when I'm in the right group, doing the right thing, I get as much satisfaction out of that as anyone who does it all the time.

George Carlin
Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.

George Carlin
I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.

George Carlin
I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.

George Carlin
It's way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest, most deeply felt hatred in the world. And it makes for wonderful theater.

George Carlin
It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?

George Carlin
It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.

George Carlin
In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.

George Carlin
Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.

George Carlin
Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid.

George Carlin
In the United States, anybody can be President. That's the problem.

George Carlin
Part of the pleasure of being alive is the knowledge that you're not dead yet.

George Carlin