George Carlin Quotes

274 Sourced Quotes

You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like; generally, it's an inconvenience.

George Carlin
I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right.

George Carlin
Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.

George Carlin
No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

George Carlin
As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.

George Carlin
They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.

George Carlin
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

George Carlin
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

George Carlin
I respect animals. I have more sympathy for an injured or dead animal than I do for an injured or dead human being, because human beings participate and cooperate in their own undoing. Animals are completely innocent. There are no innocent human beings.

George Carlin
When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.

George Carlin
I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.

George Carlin
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

George Carlin
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

George Carlin
And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good.

George Carlin
And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

George Carlin
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

George Carlin
I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.

George Carlin
The violence of the Left is symbolic, the injuries are not intended. The violence of the Right is real - directed at people, designed to cause injuries. Vietnam, nuclear weapons, police out of control are intentional forms of violence. The violence from the Right is aimed directly at people and the violence from the Left is aimed at institutions and symbols.

George Carlin
Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

George Carlin
There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.

George Carlin
Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.

George Carlin
I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then..hitting it again!

George Carlin
If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.

George Carlin
In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself.

George Carlin
Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!"

George Carlin
I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.

George Carlin
I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan Administration.

George Carlin
When you're born, you get a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

George Carlin
There are a lot of little things about our bodies that we all know, but we never talk about. That's what interests me. These are practically universal experiences; nobody mentions them! Some of them are disgusting. Some of them are appallingly revolting and degrading even to the most degenerate mind. So let's get started with a couple of them.

George Carlin
If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?

George Carlin