George Carlin - Life Quotes

17 Sourced Quotes

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Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.

George Carlin
You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montanta, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.

George Carlin
Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.

George Carlin
People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.

George Carlin
Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: 'I'm saving food!' Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: 'I'm saving my life!'

George Carlin
People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.

George Carlin
They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street.

George Carlin
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

George Carlin
Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.

George Carlin
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

George Carlin
People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

George Carlin
Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!"

George Carlin
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

George Carlin
People think life is real complicated. Actually, there's nothing to it. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.

George Carlin
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

George Carlin
O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.

George Carlin
I'm a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!

George Carlin