George Carlin Quotes

274 Sourced Quotes

You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montanta, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.

George Carlin
Movies and television don't make you violent; all they do is channel the violence more creatively.

George Carlin
My advice: Just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.

George Carlin
I was looking in the mirror the other day and I realized I haven't changed much since I was in my twenties. The only difference is I look a whole lot older now.

George Carlin
There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.

George Carlin
A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.

George Carlin
Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.

George Carlin
Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.

George Carlin
An outsider longing to be on the inside is the same as the soloist longing to work in an ensemble. I get great satisfaction in being a part of the proper - for me - community. I'm uncomfortable with various social groupings and clusterings. But when I'm in the right group, doing the right thing, I get as much satisfaction out of that as anyone who does it all the time.

George Carlin
Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.

George Carlin
I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.

George Carlin
I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.

George Carlin
It's way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest, most deeply felt hatred in the world. And it makes for wonderful theater.

George Carlin
It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?

George Carlin
It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.

George Carlin
In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.

George Carlin
Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.

George Carlin
People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

George Carlin
When I first heard the song Don't worry - be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first.

George Carlin
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.

George Carlin
Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting yourself from who you really are.

George Carlin
A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don't get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. Doesn't that violate some law of physics?

George Carlin
The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.

George Carlin
How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?

George Carlin
A scary dream makes your heart beat faster. Why doesn't the part of your brain that controls your heartbeat realize that another part of your brain is making the whole thing up? Don't these people communicate?

George Carlin
You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven.

George Carlin
If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence.

George Carlin
Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid.

George Carlin
Part of the pleasure of being alive is the knowledge that you're not dead yet.

George Carlin
In the United States, anybody can be President. That's the problem.

George Carlin