George Carlin Quotes

274 Sourced Quotes

In restaurants where they serve frog's legs, what do they do with the rest of the frog? Do they just throw it away? You never see "frog torsos" on the menu. Is there actually a garbage can full of frog bodies in the alley? I wouldn't want to be a homeless guy looking for an unfinished cheeseburger and open the lid on that

George Carlin
We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.

George Carlin
And speaking of sex, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of sex. It means Mary was conceived without Original Sin. That's all it has ever meant. And according to the tabloids, Mary is apparently the only one who can make such a claim. The Jesus thing is called virgin birth.

George Carlin
Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.

George Carlin
They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!

George Carlin
Next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.'

George Carlin
Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back.

George Carlin
Think of how strange we'd look if all the cuts, burns, scrapes, bruises, scratches, bumps, gashes, and scabs we ever had suddenly reappeared on our bodies at the same time.

George Carlin
I enjoy watching a woman with really bad teeth and a good sense of humor struggling to use her lips and tongue to hide her teeth when she's laughing. I just stand there and tell her joke after joke after joke.

George Carlin
Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?

George Carlin
Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick.

George Carlin
What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part?

George Carlin
When people say clean as a whistle, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.

George Carlin
A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.

George Carlin
I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn't observe anything, and I left.

George Carlin
People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it's really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn't want you to know.

George Carlin
Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.

George Carlin
Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands.

George Carlin
I don't own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.

George Carlin
Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."

George Carlin
When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

George Carlin
The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

George Carlin
I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.

George Carlin
The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.

George Carlin
I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: 'People who smoke will eventually cough up small pieces of lung.'... And 'Warning!! Alcohol will turn you into the same jerk your father was.'

George Carlin
Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.

George Carlin
Dogs and cats get put to sleep; hogs and cows get slaughtered.

George Carlin
You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.

George Carlin
If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?

George Carlin
Never underestimate the role pretension plays when it comes to creating euphemistic language.

George Carlin