George Carlin Quotes

274 Sourced Quotes

It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?

George Carlin
It's way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest, most deeply felt hatred in the world. And it makes for wonderful theater.

George Carlin
I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.

George Carlin
I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.

George Carlin
Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.

George Carlin
An outsider longing to be on the inside is the same as the soloist longing to work in an ensemble. I get great satisfaction in being a part of the proper - for me - community. I'm uncomfortable with various social groupings and clusterings. But when I'm in the right group, doing the right thing, I get as much satisfaction out of that as anyone who does it all the time.

George Carlin
Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.

George Carlin
Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.

George Carlin
A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.

George Carlin
There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.

George Carlin
I was looking in the mirror the other day and I realized I haven't changed much since I was in my twenties. The only difference is I look a whole lot older now.

George Carlin
My advice: Just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.

George Carlin
Movies and television don't make you violent; all they do is channel the violence more creatively.

George Carlin
You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montanta, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.

George Carlin
Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.

George Carlin
What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part?

George Carlin
Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick.

George Carlin
Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?

George Carlin
I enjoy watching a woman with really bad teeth and a good sense of humor struggling to use her lips and tongue to hide her teeth when she's laughing. I just stand there and tell her joke after joke after joke.

George Carlin
Think of how strange we'd look if all the cuts, burns, scrapes, bruises, scratches, bumps, gashes, and scabs we ever had suddenly reappeared on our bodies at the same time.

George Carlin
Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back.

George Carlin
Next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.'

George Carlin
They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!

George Carlin
Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.

George Carlin
In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!

George Carlin
The Christians are coming to get you, and they are not pleasant people.

George Carlin
I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else.

George Carlin
We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.

George Carlin
And speaking of sex, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of sex. It means Mary was conceived without Original Sin. That's all it has ever meant. And according to the tabloids, Mary is apparently the only one who can make such a claim. The Jesus thing is called virgin birth.

George Carlin
When people say clean as a whistle, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.

George Carlin