George Carlin Quotes

274 Sourced Quotes

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

George Carlin
Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.

George Carlin
Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] "Look, they nearly missed!" "Yes, but not quite.

George Carlin
In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf.""

George Carlin
They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street.

George Carlin
Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the "Ten Most Wanted" criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, "I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list"?

George Carlin
Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

George Carlin
There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.

George Carlin
Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.

George Carlin
I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then..hitting it again!

George Carlin
If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.

George Carlin
In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself.

George Carlin
Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!"

George Carlin
I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.

George Carlin
I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan Administration.

George Carlin
When you're born, you get a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

George Carlin
There are a lot of little things about our bodies that we all know, but we never talk about. That's what interests me. These are practically universal experiences; nobody mentions them! Some of them are disgusting. Some of them are appallingly revolting and degrading even to the most degenerate mind. So let's get started with a couple of them.

George Carlin
If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?

George Carlin
In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.

George Carlin
Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

George Carlin
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying.

George Carlin
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.

George Carlin
I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.

George Carlin
When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.

George Carlin
And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.

George Carlin
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

George Carlin
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

George Carlin
I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.

George Carlin
I find it discouraging - and a bit depressing - when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and on the other, to those who believe in an invisible supreme being who inhabits the sky.

George Carlin
When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.

George Carlin