Phyllis Diller Quotes

57 Sourced Quotes

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor. I was committed. I spent seven hours there, and that was just for the estimate.

Phyllis Diller
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Phyllis Diller
When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

Phyllis Diller
I went into a clothes store one day and the lady said, 'Madam, you have got to try this dress on. It is so sexy, it will give you husband ideas.' I said, 'What, does a brain come with it?'

Phyllis Diller
Fang's idea of a seven-course dinner is a six-pack and a bologna sandwich. The last time I said 'Let's eat out,' we ate in the garage.

Phyllis Diller
How do we keep our youth? (I have one friend, Lenore, who keeps him in the guest closet.)

Phyllis Diller
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

Phyllis Diller
How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.

Phyllis Diller
I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives 40 miles away.

Phyllis Diller
When in a wedding line, don't say to the bride and groom, 'I just hope you'll be as happy as we thought we'd be.'

Phyllis Diller
My photographs don't do me justice. They look just like me.

Phyllis Diller
On exercise:
I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Phyllis Diller
I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?

Phyllis Diller
Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.

Phyllis Diller
I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men — I'm sick of karate.

Phyllis Diller
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, "Who could have done this? We have no enemies."

Phyllis Diller
Fang, the idiot, was watching television one night and a guy was showing how to use a condom by putting on a sock. Now Fang is carrying a sock in his wallet.

Phyllis Diller
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

Phyllis Diller
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

Phyllis Diller
Health…what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Phyllis Diller
Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage, I nicknamed my water bed, Lake Placid!

Phyllis Diller
Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards.

Phyllis Diller
Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

Phyllis Diller
Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing we have.

Phyllis Diller
She's had so many face-lifts, there's nothing left in her shoes!

Phyllis Diller
On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn't have found it so hard to go ahead with it if I had realized that having a baby was the only way I could ever become a grandmother.

Phyllis Diller
On her husband:
Fang is the cheapest man alive. On Christmas Eve, he puts the kids to bed, fires one shot, and tells them Santa has committed suicide.

Phyllis Diller
Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.

Phyllis Diller