Phyllis Diller Quotes

57 Sourced Quotes

We went all out with new things for our first child and the second one had nothing but hand-me-downs. The bronzed baby shoes almost killed him.

Phyllis Diller
Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.

Phyllis Diller
Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!

Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Phyllis Diller
I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing wrong about going to bed with a good book... or a friend who's read one.

Phyllis Diller
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Phyllis Diller
Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.

Phyllis Diller
If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Phyllis Diller
Scoring in tennis is like marrying for money... love means nothing!

Phyllis Diller
My plastic surgeon... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.

Phyllis Diller
When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.

Phyllis Diller
I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.

Phyllis Diller
I don't like to drink in front of the kids, and when they're not around, who needs it?

Phyllis Diller
All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.

Phyllis Diller
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

Phyllis Diller
I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.

Phyllis Diller
We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

Phyllis Diller
Some bad things have been happening lately. A pervert called me. Five times. Collect. And that damn fool won't tell me where he lives.

Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shovelling the walk before it stops snowing.

Phyllis Diller
The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids... and when you're away from them, who needs it?.

Phyllis Diller
I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.

Phyllis Diller
I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Phyllis Diller
Get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.

Phyllis Diller
I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along — but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

Phyllis Diller
I once went braless and wore a peek-a-boo blouse. It was embarrassing. First they'd peek... then they'd boo!

Phyllis Diller