20th-century Comedian Quotes

The Internet contains everything in the whole wide world ever. I don't know about you, but I find everything in the whole wide world ever to be a bit distracting.

In the ambiguity and shifting playing field of adult life, I often wish I could just fill in a dot and have someone say Yes and hand me a chicken leg, or No and slap me with an old fish.

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Suddenly I had to spend all my time getting well.

Statistically, skinny women die younger than fat women. Why? Because fat women are killing them.

Stammering is different than stuttering. Stutterers have trouble with the letters, while stammerers trip over entire parts of a sentence. We stammerers generally think of ourselves as very bright. My own private theory is that stammerers have so many ideas swirling around their brains at once that they can't get them all out, though I haven't found any scientific evidence to back that up.

I suppose the difference between baby people and me is that I do not consider smiling while farting 'holding up your end of a conversation.

Some footballers earn a fortune. 30 grand, 40 grand, 90 grand a week, some of them. And then they say stuff in interviews like "I'm not really enjoying the football at the moment." Not enjoying the football? 90 grand a week? I'd be delirious with it! I wouldn't just hug somebody for scoring a goal, I'd shag 'em.

Lee Evans (comedian)

Somewhere, a long way away, people are doing sensible things like mowing lawns and digging gardens.

Living with teenagers is like watching Jeopardy! every night. After a while you start thinking, Maybe I am stupid.

Caryl Kristensen

You know what they call alternative medicine that's been proved to work? - Medicine.

There's only two times in life, there's now and there's too late.

When we did our show in the '60s, during the Vietnam War, you were either a hawk or a dove; a right winger or a left winger. It was pretty decisive, but not nearly as decisive as it is now.

All castles had one major weakness. The enemy used to get in through the gift shop.

Typical Hollywood crowd - all the kids are on drugs, and all the adults are on roller skates.

Inviting people to laugh with you while you are laughing at yourself is a good thing to do. You may be a fool but you're the fool in charge.

If hooking a car battery up to a monkey's brain will help find the cure for AIDS and save somebody's life, I have two things to say … the red is positive and the black is negative.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

Jim Norton (comedian)

I only hate two things - living things, and objects.

Steal moments of happiness if you have to, and then collect them until they are the dominant images in your psyche.

That's the one thing I have over any twenty-one-year-old: a proud history of accumulated neuroses. That's the game in which I'm da man.

I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: "You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage." Number two: "We have medication for this." And number three: "It was more than an ounce and he was less than 100 yards from the school."

The day you're born, you get the pink slip on YOU. Outright ownership. You must only share that life with those that you and only you choose.

We are all the same person trying to shake hands with our self.

It is the duty of the humor of any given nation in time of high crisis to attack the catastrophe that faces it in such a manner as to cause the people to laugh at it in such a way that they cannot die before they are killed.