20th-century Comedian Quotes

All castles had one major weakness. The enemy used to get in through the gift shop.

When we did our show in the '60s, during the Vietnam War, you were either a hawk or a dove; a right winger or a left winger. It was pretty decisive, but not nearly as decisive as it is now.

There's only two times in life, there's now and there's too late.

You know what they call alternative medicine that's been proved to work? - Medicine.

Living with teenagers is like watching Jeopardy! every night. After a while you start thinking, Maybe I am stupid.

Caryl Kristensen

Somewhere, a long way away, people are doing sensible things like mowing lawns and digging gardens.

Some footballers earn a fortune. 30 grand, 40 grand, 90 grand a week, some of them. And then they say stuff in interviews like "I'm not really enjoying the football at the moment." Not enjoying the football? 90 grand a week? I'd be delirious with it! I wouldn't just hug somebody for scoring a goal, I'd shag 'em.

Lee Evans (comedian)

I suppose the difference between baby people and me is that I do not consider smiling while farting 'holding up your end of a conversation.

Stammering is different than stuttering. Stutterers have trouble with the letters, while stammerers trip over entire parts of a sentence. We stammerers generally think of ourselves as very bright. My own private theory is that stammerers have so many ideas swirling around their brains at once that they can't get them all out, though I haven't found any scientific evidence to back that up.

Statistically, skinny women die younger than fat women. Why? Because fat women are killing them.

I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Suddenly I had to spend all my time getting well.

For me real peace is lying on a river bank in summer with a sprig of grass in my mouth. I have friends who jet off to a luxury hotel. I think, 'How can you enjoy such ghastly luxury?'

Griff Rhys Jones

You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase.

I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser.

On teaching children how to cross the street:

Damn the lights. Watch the cars. The lights ain't never killed nobody.

There is a bit of Hans Christian Andersen in every Dane.

Wherever my dad is now, he's looking down on me…not because he's dead but because he is very condescending.

I love you just the way you are but you don't see you like I do. You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.

Your financial cost can best be figured out when you realize that if you were to devote the same time and energy to business instead of gold, you would be a millionaire in approximately six weeks.

I know it's called a pigskin, but it's not against your religion to catch it.

It would be ridiculous for me to say anything negative regarding blacks having an equal opportunity on TV. After all, I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.

If you cage a wild thing, you can be sure it will die, but if you let it run free, nine times out of ten it will run back home.

Laughter takes the tyranny of the lies we are told and told and told and it blows them apart.

Being funny wasn't a career choice growing up, it was my way out of situations; a way to survive another day.

I'm not sure sophisticated comedy has a place on television any more … I'd like to think it still does … But I'm not sure the networks are interested, I'm not sure anybody else is interested in sophisticated comedy any more.