20th-century Comedian Quotes

I think nine times out of ten the worst impulses we get are when we're behind the wheel of a car. That's why I don't think its such a good idea to have a gun … in the glove compartment. Cause chances are, if it's there, sooner or later, you're gonna use it — 'course, then again, what are you gonna do when someone cuts you off on the freeway? Just let them go? Yeah — you pretty much have to shoot them, y'know, otherwise they won't learn nothin'.

That's what show business is—sincere insincerity.

Millions of Germans had absolute faith in Hitler. Millions of Russians had faith in Stalin. Millions of Chinese had faith in Mao. Billions have had faith in imaginary gods.

America is our neighbour, our ally, our trading partner, and our friend. Still, sometimes you'd like to give them such a smack.

When you get to a certain age, it's kind of the same thing. There's no new school to go to, no new teachers. There's some comfort in that.

Oh look, an ATM! Ok, here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.

On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks.

I was brought up to be a good boy and proud of myself so I suppress all the things about me that are bad.

Before you can give of yourself to others you must know what of yourself you have to give. Every person is special. In all the land there is only one you, possibly two, but seldom more than sixteen.

I stared down at the cemetery and the sight felt rich, rewarding, physically so, in the actual eyes. The very eyeball itself felt good. I became the most recent person on earth to see that everyone in every single or double plot had known life in all its extremes. They had all known extreme pain and stress; all been overjoyed. All had been enchanted; and they'd all known extreme grief so bad they thought it must be meant for another species.

Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?

I accept the responsibility but not the blame. Let me explain the difference. Those who are to blame lose their jobs. Those who are responsible do not.

Television is a medium, so called because it is neither rare nor well-done.

Much is written of the power of the Press, a power which may last but a day; by comparison little is heard of the power of books, which may endure for generations.

I had no idea that marriage was only supposed to be between two people who wanted to get between the sheets and make more people. What ever happened to marrying for love— or to get on your partner's health insurance policy, or for presents? No one was going to buy two people in their thirties a four-slice toaster if we just continued to live in sin.

I am too old, too tired and too talented to care.

Kenneth Williams

For some people the revelation comes too late that life is best kept to the essentials. Some people are given their last rites and that person might say in their last breath, "I should have celebrated Festivus."

I'm not sure sophisticated comedy has a place on television any more … I'd like to think it still does … But I'm not sure the networks are interested, I'm not sure anybody else is interested in sophisticated comedy any more.

It would be ridiculous for me to say anything negative regarding blacks having an equal opportunity on TV. After all, I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.

Laughter takes the tyranny of the lies we are told and told and told and it blows them apart.

If you cage a wild thing, you can be sure it will die, but if you let it run free, nine times out of ten it will run back home.

Being funny wasn't a career choice growing up, it was my way out of situations; a way to survive another day.

Everything's getting on top of me. I can't switch off. I've got a self-cleaning oven—I have to get up in the night to see if it's doing it.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.