20th-century Comedian Quotes

If "pro" is the opposite of "con", is "progress" the opposite of "congress"?

For me real peace is lying on a river bank in summer with a sprig of grass in my mouth. I have friends who jet off to a luxury hotel. I think, 'How can you enjoy such ghastly luxury?'

Griff Rhys Jones

I know it's called a pigskin, but it's not against your religion to catch it.

Your financial cost can best be figured out when you realize that if you were to devote the same time and energy to business instead of gold, you would be a millionaire in approximately six weeks.

I love you just the way you are but you don't see you like I do. You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.

Wherever my dad is now, he's looking down on me…not because he's dead but because he is very condescending.

There is a bit of Hans Christian Andersen in every Dane.

On teaching children how to cross the street:

Damn the lights. Watch the cars. The lights ain't never killed nobody.

I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser.

You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase.

You have Mel Brooks and your Marx Brothers and your Larry David. So it's affected it enormously and really not at all. I don't think I've ever done anything comedically where the joke of it had to do with Judaism and Jewishness, but there's definitely a proud tradition of comedy in the Jews.

It seems that a lot of people, who haven't known of me as a pianist, think I've just started off as a comedian. And so for them the piano was something extra. But, of course, playing the piano was something that came before all of what's happened now.

On paying the toll at the Severn Bridge:

It's worth £5.40 to have that moment where you stop, then you come through and there are no lanes! It takes a very strange sort of man who doesn't go: 'The race is on! Come on, woohoo! First one to the lanes!! Order, order, back in order OK but I had fun while it lasted.

Michael McIntyre

The English like eccentrics. They just don't like them living next door.

My little sister, she got me on Facebook because I was on MySpace: "No, no, no. You don't want to be on MySpace, you want to be on Facebook!" So I joined both. But I keep muddling them up, so I keep asking people to come on MyFace. Still, eighty thousand friends!

Shappi Khorsandi

I was on the football team because I wanted to experience the different iconic social classes of high school. So football for me was an attempt to socially integrate in an interesting way. And then I didn't like it anymore and stopped doing it and focused more on drama and science and other forms of art and music.

The idea of mind-altering substances gives me the willies. Fill your tank with nitro, the car goes fast, sure, but not far.

I have forty-six cookbooks. I have sixty-eight takeout menus from four restaurants. I have one hundred and sixteen soy sauce packets. I have three hundred and eighty-two dishes, bowls, cups, saucers, mugs and glasses. I eat over the sink.

Heavy Metal fans are buying Heavy Metal records, taking the records home, listening to the records and then blowing their heads off with shotguns? Where's the problem? That's an unemployment solution right there, folks! It's called natural selection.

I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.

Man:Why is it that women don't have whiskers?
Corey: Well, you've been going out with the wrong girls.

I only work every couple of years. I go into retirement between films.

Nothing makes you feel more stupid than finding out you were wrong when you thought you were loved.

I'll never forget the day my mum said "Carl when I was your age I used to go to the movies with a bottle of water and some Sao's." I was thinking "Shit. Mum's a loser." Imagine trying to crack onto someone at the movies. "G'day darl. Got a packet of Sao's. Wash it down with a bottle of water."

You can't get a big head about [fame]. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, 'That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He's horrible.'