Michael McIntyre Quotes

10 Sourced Quotes

On Valentine's Day:
Just last week I wrote 'I still love you, see last year's card for full details.'

Michael McIntyre
I was in Starbucks and the person in front of me said: "Can I have a tall, skinny, black Americano please?"
I said: "Are you ordering coffee or voting in the US elections?"
Sometimes quoted as: [..] What are you ordering, coffee or a President?

Michael McIntyre
It's never enough to say you're from London, people want to know exactly where you're from. They see it as more of a test of their own geographical knowledge. You say "I'm from London" people go "Where abouts, where abouts exactly, where abouts?" "Uh... North London." If they know it they get more excited. "Where abouts, where abouts, where abouts?" "Muswell Hill" "Where abouts? Where abouts?!" "Do you know Sainsbury's?" "Yeeeesssss!"

Michael McIntyre
See, you learn about humans when you have a baby. Like girls. Girls are so much more advanced than boys. I seriously think that girls are born in conversation. Like, they come out of the womb, talking: "Are you my mother? Lovely to put a face to a name."

Michael McIntyre
People still, old people, insist on picking up the phone and saying their home number, why are you doing that? What a complete waste of time. [...] Do you open the front door and say your address? It's the same principle.

Michael McIntyre
Scottish accent:
"We don't need your English bastard pounds! We're our own country, we'll have our own bloody money, eh?!" "Would you like your own currency?" "Ah, it's complicated mathematically. Let's just have yours with our photos, I think that's the best way!"

Michael McIntyre
So hello! I'm good at hello, I'm not very good with goodbye, especially on the phone. I don't know what's happened, every time I say goodbye I sound like an idiot. What is it? You sound like a child, you feel it coming when you're on the phone. It can be a very serious conversation "of course I'll be at the funeral, I loved your father deeply, I'll say a few words. Byeeeeee!" Why am I doing that?

Michael McIntyre
On public transport:
It's unbelievable. People are so desperate to get home. The trains come very regularly, you see them, one minute, two minutes, three minutes... this means nothing to people. As soon as you get on the platform it's a level playing field. I don't care when you arrived, I'm getting on this train.

Michael McIntyre
And everyone's reading, you have to read, you can't be on the tube without reading, reading is very important. You get on on the morning and every single person is reading the Metro. Everyone, everyone. Why doesn't one person just read it to the carriage?

Michael McIntyre
On paying the toll at the Severn Bridge:
It's worth £5.40 to have that moment where you stop, then you come through and there are no lanes! It takes a very strange sort of man who doesn't go: 'The race is on! Come on, woohoo! First one to the lanes!! Order, order, back in order OK but I had fun while it lasted.

Michael McIntyre