20th-century Comedian Quotes

On American troops stationed in Britain during World War II:

Overpaid, overfed, oversexed, and over here.

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.

You know who they're blaming for global warming now? Single people. Yeah, single people, because we're in our house all on our own using all that energy by ourselves.

As her character Mrs. Merton, interviewing Debbie McGee:

But what first, Debbie, attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?

Caroline Aherne

You're probably like me, when your doorbell rings, your dog goes racing up to the door...but it's never for him, is it? "Who did you think it was going to be, one of your little friends?"

Be prepared to cut your little extra lines that come after a big punchline and move on to the next joke or routine to give your set more punch and crispness. You can keep them in your set, but if the audience applauds your big line, don't do your tag when it dies down, just move on.

Only sad sacks and conformists need things like no kiss on New Year's Eve to remind them to feel lonely. They're as bad as the people who need St. Patty's Day as an excuse to get drunk or Halloween to wear slutty outfits. You can feel sorry for yourself and dress like a hooker all year round: Hallmark never needs to know.

In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

I knew that if I was going to write a book, I was going to have to read one, too.

Michael Showalter

I think the way you can tell if a guy and girl are in a serious relationship is whether or not they have black and white pictures of themselves together. That's the real test. Because it takes effort to get nice black and white photos. If you've gone that far, there's no turning back.

Parents don't realize that when they teach you about the Holocaust too early, it ruins you for life.

Most people unfamiliar with the men in a new town might search for love until they find it. I picked out some guy on my second day in LA, who worked at the local bicycle shop, and handed my virginity to him. You can fill a tire? Sounds good to me. Let's call it a date. Needless to say he wasn't Mr. Right.

Hear ye, hear ye, court is in session... and here come the judge, here come the judge. The judge is higher'n a Gawgia pine!

Pigmeat Markham

If no one saw - it didn't count. It's only when you eat in front of strangers or people that make you feel guilty that food is really fattening.

Good ideas are like viruses. They grow and spread despite our best efforts to stop them. And yes, our bulbous, awkward species does indeed work very hard to catch and kill good ideas.

When we can really put ourselves in the shoes of the other, when we can reach new depths of empathy, then we can be effective ambassadors of peace.

I don't mind being called a hairy, humourless lesbian because that is what I aspire to be.

Bridget Christie

I just had to be strong enough to allow myself to be vulnerable. Great Lesson. For art and for life.

On doing voiceover:

A lot of people think that it's easy to just go and talk in front of a microphone and that's not the case. You're not just talking, you're acting. You're acting in front of a microphone as opposed to a camera. It's a lot more specific of a technique than most people think. It's not, Oh, do a silly voice! Try doing a silly voice for four hours, then take a lunch break, and then do another silly voice for four hours. It's not easy, especially because it's about the acting. So I think that mindset is a little off.

We twist ourselves into knots convincing people that Islam is peaceful and varied before we realize that, wait a second, you can be a Muslim while also recognizing that Islam doesn't even explain half of your behaviors!

I started treating my career as if it was a guarantee,if things get difficult and things don't work out, I'm not gonna think I have a Plan B, which is grad school, or Plan C, which is an office job. I'm just gonna have a Plan A, a Plan A 2.0, a Plan A 3.0, and that's what I'm going to do. Because entertainment and YouTube are always going to be my Plan A.

I want to tell you about a woman I have been married to for ten years, my wife, Ann, who speaking truthfully, saved me from myself. Who saved me from destroying myself because of my background. Who saved me from wasting my life, drinking my life away, never fulfilling my dreams because of what I had come from, and truly believing and loving - truly the first person to ever truthfully, unconditionally love me.

My grandmother's name is Estelle Marie Talley. She's not here tonight. And this is going to be the toughest part. But she was my first acting teacher. She told me to stand up straight. Put your shoulders back. Act like you got some sense.... She still talks to me now. Only now, she talks to me in my dreams. And I can't wait to go to sleep tonight because we got a lot to talk about.

Russian men have a saying: "Women are like buses..." That's it.

Who is more irrational, the guy who believes in a God he can't see, or a guy who's offended by a God he doesn't believe in?