Alan Carr Quotes

9 Sourced Quotes

On house-hunting:
They said it was split-level and open-plan. But then again so is an NCP car park.

Alan Carr
Everyone has a place that seems to draw them back to it, whatever life choices they make, whatever they do. After a few years they can bet their bottom dollar they end up back there.

Alan Carr
Temping in an office is no different to temping in a factory; you are ignored because you are a temp, you are persona non grata. People talk through you, and when they're making a cup of tea they don't ask if you'd like one.

Alan Carr
Audiences have this amazing sixth sense where they can tell if a comedian is bullshitting them. They allow you to be a bit liberal with the truth, but if they get a whiff of an outright lie they can be horribly unforgiving.

Alan Carr
You're going to think I'm mad, but you know what I can't stand? Digital cameras. I like the old ones. I don't like to get the image instantly. I like to wait to get back from the holiday before I realize I'm fat and pasty.

Alan Carr
Put my name in the Internet the other day. I wish I'd never bothered. I'm on a website, 20 Celebrities I'd Like To Punch Dot Com. Madonna, J-Lo, Tom Cruise and then me. I'm the only one who can't afford a bodyguard.

Alan Carr
I was on the train the other day. They've got Braille in the toilets in the train. Braille. As if a blind person couldn't smell that was a fucking toilet.

Alan Carr
Now, in school they're getting bullied on the Internet and all that. People bully by text. And people know what my act's like. They said, "What advice would you give to someone who is being bullied by text?" All I can say is, just get yourself a network 3 mobile phone. Because by the time you get the text, you'll have graduated, have kids yourself.

Alan Carr
You know who they're blaming for global warming now? Single people. Yeah, single people, because we're in our house all on our own using all that energy by ourselves.

Alan Carr