20th-century Comedian Quotes

All castles had one major weakness. The enemy used to get in through the gift shop.

Typical Hollywood crowd - all the kids are on drugs, and all the adults are on roller skates.

Inviting people to laugh with you while you are laughing at yourself is a good thing to do. You may be a fool but you're the fool in charge.

If hooking a car battery up to a monkey's brain will help find the cure for AIDS and save somebody's life, I have two things to say … the red is positive and the black is negative.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

Jim Norton (comedian)

I only hate two things - living things, and objects.

Steal moments of happiness if you have to, and then collect them until they are the dominant images in your psyche.

That's the one thing I have over any twenty-one-year-old: a proud history of accumulated neuroses. That's the game in which I'm da man.

I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: "You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage." Number two: "We have medication for this." And number three: "It was more than an ounce and he was less than 100 yards from the school."

The day you're born, you get the pink slip on YOU. Outright ownership. You must only share that life with those that you and only you choose.

We are all the same person trying to shake hands with our self.

It is the duty of the humor of any given nation in time of high crisis to attack the catastrophe that faces it in such a manner as to cause the people to laugh at it in such a way that they cannot die before they are killed.

But remember what drives a man; real men do what they have to do to make sure their people are taken care of, clothed, housed, and reasonably sastisfied, and if they're doing anything less than that, they're not men.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

Sure, I use the word nigger all the time. But I say niggers is holding the black people back. It don't mean black at all. In the dictionary, nigger is described as a person who is shiftless and lazy. Well, if that's the case, there must be some white niggers, too.

There's only three major elements. Air, land, which is your flesh and water, which is your blood. You're walking on a third of yourself. She's called Mother Earth. She gave birth to you. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, you're going right back to her!

Soon censorship will become a luxury of the past. When I recently spoke to an okie connected with the censor board about why 'Mad Max' wasn't banned, his reply was that the youth of today must get used to violence as that will soon be their way of life! It's a sobering thought.

Pieter-Dirk Uys

I try to keep fit. I've got these parallel bars at home. I run at them and try to buy a drink from both of them.

About his plans to run the London Marathon:

I've set myself a target. I'm going for less than eleven-and-a-half days.

People are always coming up to me and saying, 'I love you, love your work.' And then the next sentence is, 'I loved your brother.' John made people laugh, and laughter is a powerful thing,

It's easy to sit on a mountaintop and tell people what to do and how to be happy. I have chosen to do that. Not because it's easy, but for a different reason, which I would reveal, if your mind was ready to handle it, which it isn't, which is also very convenient for me.

Only sad sacks and conformists need things like no kiss on New Year's Eve to remind them to feel lonely. They're as bad as the people who need St. Patty's Day as an excuse to get drunk or Halloween to wear slutty outfits. You can feel sorry for yourself and dress like a hooker all year round: Hallmark never needs to know.

I knew that if I was going to write a book, I was going to have to read one, too.

Michael Showalter

In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

I think the way you can tell if a guy and girl are in a serious relationship is whether or not they have black and white pictures of themselves together. That's the real test. Because it takes effort to get nice black and white photos. If you've gone that far, there's no turning back.