20th-century Comedian Quotes

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.

On American troops stationed in Britain during World War II:

Overpaid, overfed, oversexed, and over here.

Modesty is the artifice of actors, similar to passion in call-girls.

I think football would become an even better game if someone could invent a ball that kicks back.

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

You got to control your own destiny. You got to keep writin' different stuff. Keep switchin' up and never do the same thing too many times.

For some people the revelation comes too late that life is best kept to the essentials. Some people are given their last rites and that person might say in their last breath, "I should have celebrated Festivus."

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise—surprise and fear…fear and surprise…our two weapons are fear and surprise—and ruthless efficiency…our three weapons are fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope…our four…no…Amongst our weapons—amongst our weaponry—are such elements as fear, surprise…I'll come in again.

The first time we put Debbie Downer on the show, I had a giggle fit that I couldn't control, and the whole cast ended up breaking so hard we could never quite recover.

I'm 83, and I feel like a 20-year-old, but unfortunately there's never one around.

My whole career has been an act of revenge.

On teenagers and grandparents:

They're both on drugs, they both detest you, and neither of them has a job.

I break all the rules and wear everything. Ruffles, ostrich feathers, fox coats. You look fat in fox anyway, so if you start fat, you only look a little fatter."

It happens to all of us, I concluded that Easter Sunday morning. God simply keeps reaching down into the dirt of humanity and resurrecting us from the graves we dig for ourselves through our violence, our lies, our selfishness, our arrogance, and our addictions. And God keeps loving us back to life over and over.

Nadia Bolz-Weber

In Hollywood, we have some of the richest unemployed people in the world. They have sun tans. Some of them have chauffeurs in Rolls-Royces waiting outside. They have their golf clubs ready in the car. There is no law that says you cannot play golf while being unemployed.

My outlook is that life is like a self-service restaurant and you have to help yourself. Sometimes when you see what the other fella has got, you want some of it too.

Steve Rossi: What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
Allen: Erotic sex, you use a feather.
Rossi: And, what about kinky sex?
Allen: You use the whole chicken.

There are two things in life that keep me motivated, a cup of coffee and a second cup of coffee.

I really hated fighting people and hurting them, but felt unable to stop.

I am indeed shrinking, but that's okay because I can buy my clothes off the rack in the children's department. It's great. There I am at a wedding wearing this gorgeous gown. A five year old was wearing the same one. Bitch!

George, you're too old to get married again. Not only can't you cut the mustard, honey, you're too old to open the jar.

At a dinner to honour George Burns

There's a big difference between showing interest and really taking interest.

To be honest, I tend to romanticize the past, and though I appreciate all the conveniences of modern life, sometimes I yearn for simpler times.

My mother doesn't like sex. She doesn't like the word, she doesn't like act, and I'm not entirely sure she's too impressed with the results. Ah well, you get out what you put in.

I'm not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can't do it.

Robert Schimmel