Jack Handey Quotes

10 Sourced Quotes

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone.

Jack Handey
To me clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

Jack Handey
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

Jack Handey
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Jack Handey
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Jack Handey
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.

Jack Handey
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

Jack Handey
I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to let us look at the family's financial records.

Jack Handey
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Basically, it's made up of two separate words — "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

Jack Handey
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Jack Handey