Woody Allen Quotes

196 Sourced Quotes

A fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said "no."

Woody Allen
The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.

Woody Allen
Eternal nothingness is O. K. if you're dressed for it.

Woody Allen
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

Woody Allen
The key point about a demonstration is that it must be seen. Hence the term "demonstration." If a person demonstrates privately in his own home, this is not technically a demonstration but merely "acting silly" or "behaving like an ass.

Woody Allen
Sygmnd was a poor Austrian who'd lost all the vowels in his name in a boating accident.

Woody Allen
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Woody Allen
I don't wanna live in a city where the only cultural advantage is that you can make a right turn on a red light.

Woody Allen
I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.

Woody Allen
It's the Second Law of Thermodynamics — sooner or later everything turns to shit. That's my phrasing, not the Encyclopedia Britannica's.

Woody Allen
I can't with any conscience argue for New York with anyone. It's like Calcutta. But I love the city in an emotional, irrational way, like loving your mother or your father even though they're a drunk or a thief. I've loved the city my whole life - to me, it's like a great woman.

Woody Allen
I keep wondering if there is an afterlife, and if there is will they be able to break a twenty?

Woody Allen
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Woody Allen
Of all the famous men who ever lived, the one I would most like to have been was Socrates. Not just because he was a great thinker, because I have been known to have some reasonably profound insights myself, although mine invariably revolve around a Swedish airline stewardess and some handcuffs.

Woody Allen
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

Woody Allen
There is no question that one day gravity will suddenly cease and I will come loose and float up but I see myself floating up out of my trousers so not only am I adrift but hovering in my shorts.

Woody Allen
To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat — especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

Woody Allen
The best sentence in the English language is not 'I love you' but 'It's benign'.

Woody Allen
It figures you've got to hate yourself if you've got any integrity at all.

Woody Allen
I made the statement years ago which is often quoted that 80 percent of life is showing up. People used to always say to me that they wanted to write a play, they wanted to write a movie, they wanted to write a novel, and the couple of people that did it were 80 percent of the way to having something happen. All the other people struck out without ever getting that pack. They couldn't do it, that's why they don't accomplish a thing, they don't do the thing, so once you do it, if you actually write your film script, or write your novel, you are more than half way towards something good happening. So that I was say [sic] my biggest life lesson that has worked. All others have failed me.

Woody Allen
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead—not sick, not wounded—dead.

Woody Allen