Woody Allen Quotes

196 Sourced Quotes

They called me mad... But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!

Woody Allen
Doris: You have no values. With you it's all nihilism, cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.
Harry: Hey, in France I could run for office with that slogan, and win!

Woody Allen
I bought her this handkerchief... and I didn't even know her size.

Woody Allen
I'm not a drinker — my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year's Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Woody Allen
Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.

Woody Allen
I ran into Isosceles. He has a great idea for a new triangle!

Woody Allen
I'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself, but I didn't.

Woody Allen
I was supremely confident my flair for atmosphere and characterization would sparkle alongside the numbing mulch ground out by studio hacks. Certainly the space atop my mantel might be better festooned by a gold statuette than by the plastic dipping bird that now bobbed there ad infinitum.

Woody Allen
I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts.

Woody Allen
We're worth a lot of dough. Whatever you see is antiques. This thing here. This is from — I don't remember exactly. I think it's the Renaissance or the Magna Carta or something. But that's where it's from.

Woody Allen
Harry: The most beautiful words in the English language aren't "I love you" but "it's benign."

Woody Allen
And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, 'til the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up.

Woody Allen
Skeptic that I was as an adolescent, I had recently come to believe in a Supreme Being after thumbing through a Victoria's Secret catalogue.

Woody Allen
The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.

Woody Allen
Umlaut snaps around and we cut to a blond apparition in her early twenties, clearly descended from Olympus by way of Hugh Hefner's mansion.

Woody Allen
But what if everyone in the world behaved like me and came here and shot Brisseau through the ear? What a mess! And of course we'd need valet parking.

Woody Allen
I loathed every day and regret every day I spent in school. I like to be taught to read and write and add and then be left alone.

Woody Allen
It's the Second Law of Thermodynamics — sooner or later everything turns to shit. That's my phrasing, not the Encyclopedia Britannica's.

Woody Allen
Sygmnd was a poor Austrian who'd lost all the vowels in his name in a boating accident.

Woody Allen
Whosoever loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.

Woody Allen
Once munching has begun, Schopenhauer held, the human will cannot resist further munching, and the result is a universe with crumbs over everything.

Woody Allen
Meanwhile, the minute you put on the dotted line your Sam Hancock - and before a notary - you'll not only get the negative but Elsie makes a wonderful stuffed cabbage which we'll include gratis a few portions but return the jars please.

Woody Allen
I can't with any conscience argue for New York with anyone. It's like Calcutta. But I love the city in an emotional, irrational way, like loving your mother or your father even though they're a drunk or a thief. I've loved the city my whole life - to me, it's like a great woman.

Woody Allen
At the trial Stubbs chose to act as his own lawyer, but a conflict over his fee led to ill feelings.

Woody Allen
The sun, which is made of gas, can explode at any moment, sending our entire planetary system hurtling to destruction; students are advised what the average citizen can do in such a case.

Woody Allen
Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.

Woody Allen
The great question of philosophy remains: If life is meaningless, what can be done about alphabet soup?

Woody Allen
We live in far too permissive a society. Never before has pornography been this rampant. And those films are so badly lit!

Woody Allen
Money is not everything, but it is better than having one's health.

Woody Allen
The roe is reputed to sleep for a thousand years and then suddenly rise in flames, particularly if it was smoking when it dozed off.

Woody Allen