Woody Allen Quotes

196 Sourced Quotes

This stuff tastes awful; I could have made a fortune selling it in my health-food store.

Woody Allen
To me there's no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They're all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful.

Woody Allen
Sex without love is an empty experience. But as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

Woody Allen
In perpetrating a revolution, there are two requirements: someone or something to revolt against and someone to actually show up and do the revolting. Dress is usually casual and both parties may be flexible about time and place, but if either faction fails to attend, the whole enterprise is likely to come off badly.

Woody Allen
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful – provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

Woody Allen
What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people.

Woody Allen
The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

Woody Allen
Bidnick gorges himself on Viagra, but the dosage makes him hallucinate and causes him to imagine he is Pliny the Elder.

Woody Allen
I feel that life is—is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.

Woody Allen
If I don't kill him he'll make war all through Europe. But murder... the most foul of all crimes. What would Socrates say? All those Greeks were homosexuals. Boy, they must have had some wild parties. I bet they all took a house together in Crete for the summer. A: Socrates is a man. B: All men are mortal. C: All men are Socrates. That means all men are homosexuals. Heh... I'm not a homosexual. Once, some cossacks whistled at me. I happen to have the kind of body that excites both persuasions. You know, some men are heterosexual and some men are bisexual and some men don't think about sex at all, you know... they become lawyers.

Woody Allen
Doris: You have no values. With you it's all nihilism, cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.
Harry: Hey, in France I could run for office with that slogan, and win!

Woody Allen
If man were immortal, do you realize what his meat bills would be?...

Woody Allen
In life, one is entitled to a side dish of either coleslaw or potato salad, and the choice must be made in terror, with the knowledge that not only is our time on earth limited but most kitchens close at ten.

Woody Allen
The meaning of life is that nobody knows the meaning of life.

Woody Allen
I had dated a woman briefly in the Eisenhower administration, and it was ironic to me, because I was trying to do to her what Eisenhower had been doing to the country for the last 8 years.

Woody Allen
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Woody Allen
A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

Woody Allen
Standard mathematics has recently been rendered obsolete by the discovery that for years we have been writing the numeral five backward. This has led to reevaluation of counting as a method of getting from one to ten. Students are taught advanced concepts of Boolean algebra, and formerly unsolvable equations are dealt with by threats of reprisals.

Woody Allen
I don't believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Woody Allen
I agree my play ["Honeymoon Motel"] is indeed serene and alarmed and that's probably what accounts for the apparent epidemic of narcolepsy amongst the audience.

Woody Allen
Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.

Woody Allen
Dear Mom and Dad, Leave $50,000 in a bag under the bridge on Decatur Street. If there is no bridge on Decatur Street, please build one.

Woody Allen
We live in far too permissive a society. Never before has pornography been this rampant. And those films are so badly lit!

Woody Allen
And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, 'til the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up.

Woody Allen
My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

Woody Allen