Woody Allen Quotes

196 Sourced Quotes

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

Woody Allen
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Woody Allen
And how does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?

Woody Allen
I loathed every day and regret every day I spent in school. I like to be taught to read and write and add and then be left alone.

Woody Allen
The psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty and I said, 'It is if you're doing it right.'

Woody Allen
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree"— probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Woody Allen
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But, then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness — I hope you're getting this down.

Woody Allen
There's a speech I had to cut out of [the 1979 film] Manhattan and plan to get into the next film, where my character says that the metaphor for life is a concentration camp. I do believe that.

Woody Allen
We have to take our possessions and flee. I'm very good at that. I was the men's freestyle fleeing champion two years in a row.

Woody Allen
The Devil: You want me to turn the air-conditioning on?
Harry: You have air-conditioning in Hell?
The Devil: Sure, it fucks up the ozone layer!

Woody Allen
Death is a state of non-being. That which is not, does not exist. Therefore death does not exist. Only truth exists. Truth and beauty. Each is interchangeable, but are aspects of themselves. Er, what specifically did they say they had in mind for me?

Woody Allen
I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

Woody Allen
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind — a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

Woody Allen
Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.

Woody Allen
Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of people, and I said I would prefer to live on in my apartment.

Woody Allen
This stuff tastes awful; I could have made a fortune selling it in my health-food store.

Woody Allen
To me there's no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They're all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful.

Woody Allen
Sex without love is an empty experience. But as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

Woody Allen
In perpetrating a revolution, there are two requirements: someone or something to revolt against and someone to actually show up and do the revolting. Dress is usually casual and both parties may be flexible about time and place, but if either faction fails to attend, the whole enterprise is likely to come off badly.

Woody Allen
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful – provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

Woody Allen