Woody Allen Quotes

196 Sourced Quotes

The psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty and I said, 'It is if you're doing it right.'

Woody Allen
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

Woody Allen
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind — a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

Woody Allen
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

Woody Allen
With that, he scribbled in an additional ninety thousand dollars on the estimate, which had waxed to the girth of the Talmud while rivaling it in possible interpretations.

Woody Allen
Should I marry W? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name. And what about her career? How can I ask a woman of her beauty to give up the Roller Derby? Decisions...

Woody Allen
In perpetrating a revolution, there are two requirements: someone or something to revolt against and someone to actually show up and do the revolting. Dress is usually casual and both parties may be flexible about time and place, but if either faction fails to attend, the whole enterprise is likely to come off badly.

Woody Allen
Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

Woody Allen
How wrong Emily Dickinson was! Hope is not "the thing with feathers." The thing with feathers has turned out to be my nephew. I must take him to a specialist in Zurich.

Woody Allen
Sex and death. Two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous.

Woody Allen
Sex without love is an empty experience. But as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

Woody Allen
Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.

Woody Allen
I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.

Woody Allen
There's nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dart about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope.

Woody Allen
This is my perspective and has always been my perspective on life: I have a very grim, pessimistic view of it. I always have, since I was a little boy. It hasn't gotten worse with age or anything. I do feel that it's a grim, painful, nightmarish, meaningless experience, and that the only way that you can be happy is if you tell yourself some lies and deceive yourself.

Woody Allen
She quarreled with the nanny and accused her of brushing Misha's teeth sideways rather than up and down.

Woody Allen
I have also reviewed my own financial obligations, which have puffed up recently like a hammered thumb.

Woody Allen
On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Woody Allen
Harry: No, I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.

Woody Allen
I was depressed... I was suicidal; as a matter of fact, I would have killed myself but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

Woody Allen
Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat, college.

Woody Allen
And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.

Woody Allen
I'm not really the heroic type. I was beat up by Quakers.

Woody Allen
Ads answered out of desperation in the New York Review of Books proved equally futile as…the 'Bay Area Bisexual' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

Woody Allen
This stuff tastes awful; I could have made a fortune selling it in my health-food store.

Woody Allen
To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat — especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

Woody Allen
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead—not sick, not wounded—dead.

Woody Allen
Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing 'Embraceable You' in spats.

Woody Allen
I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and I was able to go through War and Peace in 20 minutes. It's about Russia

Woody Allen
This trial is a travesty. It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham.

Woody Allen