Woody Allen Quotes

196 Sourced Quotes

Do I believe in God? I did until Mother's accident. She fell on some meat loaf and it penetrated her spleen.

Woody Allen
If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this new religious fervor, I glutted myself like a fanatic.

Woody Allen
I've been lucky because my films have consistently made a profit, almost all of them have made a profit. Never a huge profit, but nobody gets hurt. And therefore I get a lot of freedom.

Woody Allen
Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love -- the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.

Woody Allen
I keep wondering if there is an afterlife, and if there is will they be able to break a twenty?

Woody Allen
Dear Mom and Dad, Leave $50,000 in a bag under the bridge on Decatur Street. If there is no bridge on Decatur Street, please build one.

Woody Allen
The roe is reputed to sleep for a thousand years and then suddenly rise in flames, particularly if it was smoking when it dozed off.

Woody Allen
Money is not everything, but it is better than having one's health.

Woody Allen
We live in far too permissive a society. Never before has pornography been this rampant. And those films are so badly lit!

Woody Allen
The great question of philosophy remains: If life is meaningless, what can be done about alphabet soup?

Woody Allen
Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.

Woody Allen
The sun, which is made of gas, can explode at any moment, sending our entire planetary system hurtling to destruction; students are advised what the average citizen can do in such a case.

Woody Allen
At the trial Stubbs chose to act as his own lawyer, but a conflict over his fee led to ill feelings.

Woody Allen
I can't with any conscience argue for New York with anyone. It's like Calcutta. But I love the city in an emotional, irrational way, like loving your mother or your father even though they're a drunk or a thief. I've loved the city my whole life - to me, it's like a great woman.

Woody Allen
We're worth a lot of dough. Whatever you see is antiques. This thing here. This is from — I don't remember exactly. I think it's the Renaissance or the Magna Carta or something. But that's where it's from.

Woody Allen
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

Woody Allen
I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
As Alvy Singer

Woody Allen
They called me mad... But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!

Woody Allen
Doris: You have no values. With you it's all nihilism, cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.
Harry: Hey, in France I could run for office with that slogan, and win!

Woody Allen
I bought her this handkerchief... and I didn't even know her size.

Woody Allen
I'm not a drinker — my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year's Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Woody Allen
Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.

Woody Allen
I ran into Isosceles. He has a great idea for a new triangle!

Woody Allen
I'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself, but I didn't.

Woody Allen
I was supremely confident my flair for atmosphere and characterization would sparkle alongside the numbing mulch ground out by studio hacks. Certainly the space atop my mantel might be better festooned by a gold statuette than by the plastic dipping bird that now bobbed there ad infinitum.

Woody Allen
I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts.

Woody Allen
Sygmnd was a poor Austrian who'd lost all the vowels in his name in a boating accident.

Woody Allen
I loathed every day and regret every day I spent in school. I like to be taught to read and write and add and then be left alone.

Woody Allen
It's the Second Law of Thermodynamics — sooner or later everything turns to shit. That's my phrasing, not the Encyclopedia Britannica's.

Woody Allen
But what if everyone in the world behaved like me and came here and shot Brisseau through the ear? What a mess! And of course we'd need valet parking.

Woody Allen