Woody Allen Quotes

196 Sourced Quotes

The key point about a demonstration is that it must be seen. Hence the term "demonstration." If a person demonstrates privately in his own home, this is not technically a demonstration but merely "acting silly" or "behaving like an ass.

Woody Allen
All literature is a footnote to Faust. I have no idea what I mean by that.

Woody Allen
Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo.

Woody Allen
Is old age really so terrible? Not if you've brushed your teeth faithfully.

Woody Allen
The true test of maturity is not how old a person is but how he reacts to awakening in the mid-town area in his shorts.

Woody Allen
Then Job fell to his knees and cried to the Lord, "Thine is the kingdom and the power and glory. Thou hast a good job. Don't blow it."

Woody Allen
In short, the best thing to do is behave in a manner befitting one's age. If you are sixteen or under, try not to go bald.

Woody Allen
I'm twelve years old. I run into a synagogue. I ask the rabbi the meaning of life. He tells me the meaning of life but he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don't understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me $600 for Hebrew lessons.

Woody Allen
In life, one is entitled to a side dish of either coleslaw or potato salad, and the choice must be made in terror, with the knowledge that not only is our time on earth limited but most kitchens close at ten.

Woody Allen
The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.

Woody Allen
Do I believe in God? I did until Mother's accident. She fell on some meat loaf and it penetrated her spleen.

Woody Allen
If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this new religious fervor, I glutted myself like a fanatic.

Woody Allen
I've been lucky because my films have consistently made a profit, almost all of them have made a profit. Never a huge profit, but nobody gets hurt. And therefore I get a lot of freedom.

Woody Allen
Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love -- the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.

Woody Allen
I keep wondering if there is an afterlife, and if there is will they be able to break a twenty?

Woody Allen
Dear Mom and Dad, Leave $50,000 in a bag under the bridge on Decatur Street. If there is no bridge on Decatur Street, please build one.

Woody Allen
The roe is reputed to sleep for a thousand years and then suddenly rise in flames, particularly if it was smoking when it dozed off.

Woody Allen
Money is not everything, but it is better than having one's health.

Woody Allen
We live in far too permissive a society. Never before has pornography been this rampant. And those films are so badly lit!

Woody Allen
The great question of philosophy remains: If life is meaningless, what can be done about alphabet soup?

Woody Allen
Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.

Woody Allen
The sun, which is made of gas, can explode at any moment, sending our entire planetary system hurtling to destruction; students are advised what the average citizen can do in such a case.

Woody Allen
At the trial Stubbs chose to act as his own lawyer, but a conflict over his fee led to ill feelings.

Woody Allen
I can't with any conscience argue for New York with anyone. It's like Calcutta. But I love the city in an emotional, irrational way, like loving your mother or your father even though they're a drunk or a thief. I've loved the city my whole life - to me, it's like a great woman.

Woody Allen
I'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself, but I didn't.

Woody Allen