Woody Allen Quotes

196 Sourced Quotes

It was partially my fault that we got divorced…I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Woody Allen
Umlaut snaps around and we cut to a blond apparition in her early twenties, clearly descended from Olympus by way of Hugh Hefner's mansion.

Woody Allen
I think people should mate for life. Like pigeons, or Catholics.

Woody Allen
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'no'.

Woody Allen
I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Woody Allen
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Woody Allen
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

Woody Allen
The sun, which is made of gas, can explode at any moment, sending our entire planetary system hurtling to destruction; students are advised what the average citizen can do in such a case.

Woody Allen
The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife — a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.

Woody Allen
I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
As Alvy Singer

Woody Allen
I was supremely confident my flair for atmosphere and characterization would sparkle alongside the numbing mulch ground out by studio hacks. Certainly the space atop my mantel might be better festooned by a gold statuette than by the plastic dipping bird that now bobbed there ad infinitum.

Woody Allen
I'm twelve years old. I run into a synagogue. I ask the rabbi the meaning of life. He tells me the meaning of life but he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don't understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me $600 for Hebrew lessons.

Woody Allen
Harry: You think the President of the United States wants to fuck every woman he meets?... Well, bad example.

Woody Allen
At the trial Stubbs chose to act as his own lawyer, but a conflict over his fee led to ill feelings.

Woody Allen
What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!

Woody Allen
I'm not a drinker — my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year's Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Woody Allen
Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.

Woody Allen
I can't get with any religion that advertises in Popular Mechanics.

Woody Allen
How wrong Emily Dickinson was! Hope is not "the thing with feathers." The thing with feathers has turned out to be my nephew. I must take him to a specialist in Zurich.

Woody Allen
It is impossible to experience one's own death objectively and still carry a tune.

Woody Allen
To me nature is... spiders and bugs, and big fish eating little fish, and plants eating plants, and animals eating... It's like an enormous restaurant, that's the way I see it.

Woody Allen
She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

Woody Allen
Taste my tuna casserole — tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.

Woody Allen
She quarreled with the nanny and accused her of brushing Misha's teeth sideways rather than up and down.

Woody Allen
Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.

Woody Allen