Woody Allen Quotes

196 Sourced Quotes

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

Woody Allen
I bought her this handkerchief... and I didn't even know her size.

Woody Allen
What a wonderful thing, to be conscious! I wonder what the people in New Jersey do.

Woody Allen
Pale, nervous girls with black-rimmed glasses and blunt-cut hair lolled around on sofas, riffling Penguin Classics provocatively… But it wasn't just intellectual experiences. They were peddling emotional ones, too. For fifty bucks, I learned, you could 'relate without getting close.' For a hundred, a girl would lend you her Bartok records, have dinner, and then let you watch while she had an anxiety attack.

Woody Allen
Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo.

Woody Allen
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought — particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

Woody Allen
If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this new religious fervor, I glutted myself like a fanatic.

Woody Allen
You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only... only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.

Woody Allen
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Woody Allen
But what if everyone in the world behaved like me and came here and shot Brisseau through the ear? What a mess! And of course we'd need valet parking.

Woody Allen
The great question of philosophy remains: If life is meaningless, what can be done about alphabet soup?

Woody Allen
Harry: No, I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.

Woody Allen
Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

Woody Allen
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Woody Allen
I've spent fifteen years in therapy. One more year, and I'm going to Lourdes.

Woody Allen
This is my perspective and has always been my perspective on life: I have a very grim, pessimistic view of it. I always have, since I was a little boy. It hasn't gotten worse with age or anything. I do feel that it's a grim, painful, nightmarish, meaningless experience, and that the only way that you can be happy is if you tell yourself some lies and deceive yourself.

Woody Allen
I finally had an orgasm and my doctor told me it was the wrong kind.

Woody Allen
Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

Woody Allen
Burt: Do you care even about the Holocaust or do you think it never happened?
Harry: Not only do I know that we lost six million, but the scary thing is that records are made to be broken.

Woody Allen
Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.

Woody Allen
Some guy hit my car fender the other day, and I said unto him, "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those words.

Woody Allen
Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing 'Embraceable You' in spats.

Woody Allen
Cookie: What are you sad about?
Harry: I'm spiritually bankrupt. I'm empty.
Cookie: What do you mean?
Harry: I'm frightened. I got no soul, you know what I mean? Let me put it this way: when I was younger it was less scary waiting for Lefty than it is waiting for Godot.
Cookie: You lost me!
Harry: You know that the universe is coming apart? You know about that? You know what a black hole is?
Cookie: Yeah. That's how I make my living.

Woody Allen
I believe there is something out there watching over us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

Woody Allen
Early in life I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety.

Woody Allen