Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

47 Sourced Quotes

When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt — for obvious reasons — that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.

Rodney Dangerfield
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

Rodney Dangerfield
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth; that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers and a bartender.

Rodney Dangerfield
In my life I've been through plenty. when I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

Rodney Dangerfield
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations—we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Rodney Dangerfield
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."

Rodney Dangerfield
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet.

Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

Rodney Dangerfield
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

Rodney Dangerfield
My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.

Rodney Dangerfield
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Rodney Dangerfield
I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

Rodney Dangerfield
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

Rodney Dangerfield
What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.

Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.

Rodney Dangerfield
I was an ugly kid. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get.

Rodney Dangerfield
I went to a fight the other night and an ice hockey game broke out.

Rodney Dangerfield