Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

47 Sourced Quotes

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.

Rodney Dangerfield
I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.

Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel.

Rodney Dangerfield
My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.

Rodney Dangerfield
They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

Rodney Dangerfield
If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

Rodney Dangerfield
With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

Rodney Dangerfield
In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.

Rodney Dangerfield
I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

Rodney Dangerfield
What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

Rodney Dangerfield
I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

Rodney Dangerfield
I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

Rodney Dangerfield
All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

Rodney Dangerfield
When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

Rodney Dangerfield
With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

Rodney Dangerfield
I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

Rodney Dangerfield
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

Rodney Dangerfield
I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

Rodney Dangerfield
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

Rodney Dangerfield
Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

Rodney Dangerfield
We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

Rodney Dangerfield
I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

Rodney Dangerfield
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

Rodney Dangerfield
My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

Rodney Dangerfield
I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

Rodney Dangerfield
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.

Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, I grew up in a tough neighborhood. The other night a guy pulled a knife on me. I could see it wasn't a real professional job. There was butter on it.

Rodney Dangerfield
What a childhood I had. My mother never breast-fed me. She said she liked me as a friend.

Rodney Dangerfield