Fran Lebowitz Quotes

167 Sourced Quotes

While it is undeniably true that people love a surprise, it is equally true that they are seldom pleased to suddenly and without warning happen upon a series of prunes in what they took to be a normal loin of pork.

Fran Lebowitz
When someone asks, 'Why do you think he's not calling me?' there's always one answer — 'He's not interested.' There's not ever any other answer.

Fran Lebowitz
There are two modes of transport in Los Angeles: car and ambulance. Visitors who wish to remain inconspicuous are advised to choose the latter.

Fran Lebowitz
Bread that must be sliced with an ax is bread that is too nourishing.

Fran Lebowitz
A great many people in Los Angeles are on strict diets that restrict their intake of synthetic foods. The reason for this seems to be the widely held belief that organically grown fruits and vegetables make the cocaine work faster.

Fran Lebowitz
Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast the disc jockey is not allowed to talk.

Fran Lebowitz
Contrary to what many of you might imagine, a career in letters is not without its drawbacks—chief among them the unpleasant fact that one is frequently called upon to sit down and write.

Fran Lebowitz
Magazines all too frequently lead to books and should be regarded by the prudent as the heavy petting of literature.

Fran Lebowitz
Not writing is probably the most exhausting profession I've ever encountered.

Fran Lebowitz
Do not elicit your child's political opinions. He doesn't know any more than you do.

Fran Lebowitz
Children are rarely in the position to lend one a truly interesting sum of money. There are, however, exceptions, and such children are an excellent addition to any party.

Fran Lebowitz
No one earns 100 million. You steal 100 million.

Fran Lebowitz
I believed passionately that Communists were a race of horned men who divided their time equally between the burning of Nancy Drew books and the devising of a plan of nuclear attack that would land the largest and most lethal bomb squarely upon the third-grade class of Thomas Jefferson School in Morristown, New Jersey.

Fran Lebowitz
Dogs who earn their living by appearing in television commercials in which they constantly and aggressively demand meat should remember that in at least one Far Eastern country they are meat.

Fran Lebowitz
Do not approach with anything even resembling assurance a restaurant that moves.

Fran Lebowitz
Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

Fran Lebowitz
Science is not a pretty thing. It is unpleasantly proportioned, outlandishly attired and often over-eager. What then is the appeal of science? What accounts for its popularity? And who gives it its start?

Fran Lebowitz
If there had been a job of being a reader, I would have taken that, because I love to read and I don't love to write. That would be blissful.

Fran Lebowitz
Citizen's Band radio renders one accessible to a wide variety of people from all walks of life. It should not be forgotten that all walks of life include conceptual artists, dry cleaners, and living poets.

Fran Lebowitz
If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract—teach him to deduct.

Fran Lebowitz
No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

Fran Lebowitz
Do not have your child's hair cut by a real hairdresser in a real hairdressing salon. He is, at this point, far too short to be exposed to contempt.

Fran Lebowitz
It is not true that there is dignity in all work. Some jobs are definitely better than others.... People who have good jobs are happy, rich, and well dressed. People who have bad jobs are unhappy, poor and use meat extenders. Those who seek dignity in the type of work that compels them to help hamburgers are certain to be disappointed.

Fran Lebowitz
I've never had the experience of being edited and never will.

Fran Lebowitz
Wealth and power are much more likely to be the result of breeding than they are of reading.
On self-help books

Fran Lebowitz