Fran Lebowitz - Metropolitan Life (1978)

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If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

Fran Lebowitz
All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive — you are leaking.

Fran Lebowitz
Rome is a very loony city in every respect. One needs but spend an hour or two there to realize that Fellini makes documentaries.

Fran Lebowitz
Do not approach with anything even resembling assurance a restaurant that moves.

Fran Lebowitz
Your life story would not make a good book. Do not even try.

Fran Lebowitz
Modern science was largely conceived of as an answer to the servant problem and... it is generally practiced by those who lack a flair for conversation.

Fran Lebowitz
There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death.

Fran Lebowitz
Contrary to what many of you might imagine, a career in letters is not without its drawbacks—chief among them the unpleasant fact that one is frequently called upon to sit down and write.

Fran Lebowitz
Large, naked, raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who live in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.

Fran Lebowitz
Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, however, a rather archaic usage of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian.

Fran Lebowitz
Bread that must be sliced with an ax is bread that is too nourishing.

Fran Lebowitz
Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back.

Fran Lebowitz
Notoriously insensitive to subtle shifts in moods, children will persist in discussing the color of a recently sighted cement mixer long after one's interest in the topic has waned.

Fran Lebowitz
Cold soup is a very tricky thing and it is the rare hostess who can carry it off. More often than not the dinner guest is left with the impression that had he only come a little earlier he could have gotten it while it was still hot.

Fran Lebowitz
While it is undeniably true that people love a surprise, it is equally true that they are seldom pleased to suddenly and without warning happen upon a series of prunes in what they took to be a normal loin of pork.

Fran Lebowitz
Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.

Fran Lebowitz
Japanese food is very pretty and undoubtedly a suitable cuisine in Japan, which is largely populated by people of below average size. Hostesses hell-bent on serving such food to occidentals would be well advised to supplement it with something more substantial and to keep in mind that almost everybody likes French fries.

Fran Lebowitz
To me the outdoors is what you must pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxicab.

Fran Lebowitz
No matter how politely or distinctly you ask a Parisian a question he will persist in answering you in French.

Fran Lebowitz
If people don't want to listen to you, what makes you think they want to hear from your sweater?
Of slogans on clothing

Fran Lebowitz
12.35 p.m.—The phone rings. I am not amused. This is not my favourite way to wake up. My favourite way to wake up is to have a certain French movie star whisper softly to me at two-thirty in the afternoon that if I want to get to Sweden in time to pick up my Nobel Prize for Literature I had better ring for breakfast. This occurs rather less often than one might wish.

Fran Lebowitz
The Word Lady: Most Often Used to Describe Someone You Wouldn't Want to Talk to for Even Five Minutes.

Fran Lebowitz
Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast the disc jockey is not allowed to talk.

Fran Lebowitz
Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.

Fran Lebowitz
Science is not a pretty thing. It is unpleasantly proportioned, outlandishly attired and often over-eager. What then is the appeal of science? What accounts for its popularity? And who gives it its start?

Fran Lebowitz
Do not have your child's hair cut by a real hairdresser in a real hairdressing salon. He is, at this point, far too short to be exposed to contempt.

Fran Lebowitz
Twenty-four-hour room service generally refers to the length of time that it takes for the club sandwich to arrive. This is indeeddisheartening, particularly when you've ordered scrambled eggs.

Fran Lebowitz
Scientists are rarely to be counted among the fun people. Awkward at parties, shy with strangers, deficient in irony — they have had no choice but to turn their attention to the close study of everyday objects.

Fran Lebowitz
Children are rarely in the position to lend one a truly interesting sum of money. There are, however, exceptions, and such children are an excellent addition to any party.

Fran Lebowitz
People have been cooking and eating for thousands of years, so if you are the very first to have thought of adding fresh lime juice to scalloped potatoes, try to understand that there must be a reason for this.

Fran Lebowitz