Fran Lebowitz Quotes

167 Sourced Quotes

Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step, it is an old business procedure.

Fran Lebowitz
Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

Fran Lebowitz
Humility is no substitute for a good personality...

Fran Lebowitz
If you're going to America, bring your own food.

Fran Lebowitz
The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

Fran Lebowitz
All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive — you are leaking.

Fran Lebowitz
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

Fran Lebowitz
Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Fran Lebowitz
If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

Fran Lebowitz
Cheese that is required by law to append the word food to its title does not go well with red wine or fruit.

Fran Lebowitz
The [hypochondriacs'] program's motto, 'There is no such thing as just a mole.'

Fran Lebowitz
Your life story would not make a good book. Do not even try.

Fran Lebowitz
I am not personally a parent. But I do have two godchildren and am expecting a third. I am naturally concerned for their future. If I ruled the world you could bet your boots that none of them would ever set their eyes on any such contraptions as digital clocks and pocket calculators. But alas, I do not rule the world and that, I am afraid, is the story of my life - always a godmother, never a God.

Fran Lebowitz
Writers have problems writing sex scenes, because writing one really well is pornography.

Fran Lebowitz
Should novels generally be 600 pages? No, they should not. Half of writing, maybe 3/4 of writing, is editing. This seems to be a thing that has not gotten through to them. It's my impression that you could get rid of half of most of these books. These people are not good enough to be this long, but they're apparently also not good enough to be shorter.

Fran Lebowitz
For someone such as myself, who is kind of feckless and immature, it's better to have rich friends than to be rich yourself, because then you have wealth without the responsibility. You get to go to their houses, and you get acquainted with a level of furniture that you cannot provide for yourself. Furniture, I think is the most important attribute of rich people.

Fran Lebowitz
I woke up at five o'clock in the morning with the whole first paragraph in my head. Now, this just shows what a slothful person I am: I tried to go back to sleep.

Fran Lebowitz
Large, naked, raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who live in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.

Fran Lebowitz
Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.

Fran Lebowitz
I do not think everyone is created equal. In fact, I know they're not. [The Constitution] means that everyone should have the same laws as everyone else. It doesn't mean that everyone's as smart or as cute or as lucky as everyone else.

Fran Lebowitz