Fran Lebowitz - Social Studies (1981)

46 Sourced Quotes

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The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

Fran Lebowitz
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

Fran Lebowitz
If you're going to America, bring your own food.

Fran Lebowitz
Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Fran Lebowitz
Wealth and power are much more likely to be the result of breeding than they are of reading.
On self-help books

Fran Lebowitz
No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

Fran Lebowitz
The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive.

Fran Lebowitz
If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail.

Fran Lebowitz
Spilling your guts is just exactly as charming as it sounds.

Fran Lebowitz
Think before you speak. Read before you think. This will give you something to think about that you didn't make up yourself - a wise move at any age, but most especially at seventeen, when you are in the greatest danger of coming to annoying conclusions.

Fran Lebowitz
Twenty-four hour room service generally refers to the length of time that it takes for the club sandwich to arrive.

Fran Lebowitz
Generally speaking, the poorer person summers where he winters.

Fran Lebowitz
Do not elicit your child's political opinions. He doesn't know any more than you do.

Fran Lebowitz
There are two modes of transport in Los Angeles: car and ambulance. Visitors who wish to remain inconspicuous are advised to choose the latter.

Fran Lebowitz
If in addition to being physically unattractive you find that you do not get along well with others, do not under any circumstances attempt to alleviate this situation by developing an interesting personality. An interesting personality, is, in an adult, insufferable. In a teenager it is frequently punishable by law.

Fran Lebowitz
I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

Fran Lebowitz
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.

Fran Lebowitz
Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back.

Fran Lebowitz
A great many people in Los Angeles are on strict diets that restrict their intake of synthetic foods. The reason for this seems to be the widely held belief that organically grown fruits and vegetables make the cocaine work faster.

Fran Lebowitz
Dogs who earn their living by appearing in television commercials in which they constantly and aggressively demand meat should remember that in at least one Far Eastern country they are meat.

Fran Lebowitz
It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars.

Fran Lebowitz
Do not have your child's hair cut by a real hairdresser in a real hairdressing salon. He is, at this point, far too short to be exposed to contempt.

Fran Lebowitz
Twenty-four-hour room service generally refers to the length of time that it takes for the club sandwich to arrive. This is indeeddisheartening, particularly when you've ordered scrambled eggs.

Fran Lebowitz
Do not approach with anything even resembling assurance a restaurant that moves.

Fran Lebowitz
Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion-picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use the word ''collectible'' as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified success.

Fran Lebowitz
Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully.

Fran Lebowitz
The only appropriate reply to the question 'Can I be frank?' is 'Yes, if I can be Barbara."

Fran Lebowitz
Telling someone he looks healthy isn't a compliment — it's a second opinion.

Fran Lebowitz
Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.

Fran Lebowitz
Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.

Fran Lebowitz