Darynda Jones Quotes

162 Sourced Quotes

We really should get some X-rays, the EMT said. You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts, I said to the EMT.

Darynda Jones
Does Uncle Bob have anything?" "I heard he has an STD." "I mean on the women." "Oh, I have no idea if they have any STDs.

Darynda Jones
I'd never taken to four foot creatures who had the uncanny ability to point out all my flaws in thirty second flat. And just for the record, I can too read without moving my lips.

Darynda Jones
No, no, no, no, no. Anything but murder. Or rape. Or kidnapping. Or armed robbery. Or indecent exposure, 'cause that's just creepy.

Darynda Jones
Honestly, he acted as though he didn't like me anymore. Wait, maybe he didn't. "Do you still like me?" "I never liked you." Oh, right. He had a point. Garreth & Charley

Darynda Jones
I do not," I felt oddly appalled by her statement. "I'm an excellent liar. Ask my dentist. He swears I floss regularly.

Darynda Jones
I may as well cut my losses and make a hasty exit while I still had enough self-esteem to walk upright. Crawling was so demoralizing

Darynda Jones
A guy in an SUV tried to kill me. That's strange. Why? Because the guy I hired doesn't drive an SUV. That is strange.

Darynda Jones
Nobody wants to look like a fool. Nine times out of ten, that reason alone keeps people from allowing themselves to believe.

Darynda Jones
And," Amber said, practically drooling as she ogled him, "it's tradition for new arrivals to help with the pep rally." Brooklyn quirked her lips in doubt. "Tradition?" "It's a new tradition," Amber shot back. "Clearly the deeper meaning of the word has escaped you.

Darynda Jones
I know," he said in almost bored contemplation. "My manners suck. I like to chalk it up to a dissatisfying childhood." "I'd chalk it up to that narcissistic personality disorder laces with a smidgen of schizophrenia. Your mother would be proud.

Darynda Jones
Still, this whole grim reaper thing should have come with a manual. Or a diagram of some kind. A flowchart would have been nice.

Darynda Jones
Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares? -Inspirational poster

Darynda Jones
But he was a good landlord. When my heater stopped working in mid-December, it took him only two weeks to get it fixed. Of course, it took me knocking on his door in need of a warm place to sleep to get it that way, but one night on his sofa, where I'd suddenly developed night terrors and epilepsy, and that puppy was running like a Mercedes the next day. It was awesome.

Darynda Jones
Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that. - T-shirt

Darynda Jones
I strode toward Mr. Coffee with lust in my eyes. We'd had a thing for quite some time now Mr. Coffee and I...

Darynda Jones
If I was going to go out tonight, I was going to go out fighting. Or screaming in agony. Either way.

Darynda Jones
What did one say to a stalker? Um, pardon me, Mr.Stalker, but could you, like, not?

Darynda Jones
Felt my heartbeat falter, hesitate, then stumble awkwardly forward, tripping on the next beat, then the next, faster and faster until each one tumbled into the other like the drumroll of dominoes crashing together. Funny how time stands still when death is imminent.

Darynda Jones
She looked at me, confused. He hardly knew me. My parents dated and got married before we knew what happened. Let's just say we were not brought into the loop on that decision. That's weird. I wasn't brought into the loop with my parents' marriage either. Really? How old were you? Twelve months. She giggled. I can't imagine why they didn't ask your opinion.

Darynda Jones
He bombarded me with words, of all things, apparently clueless to the fact that the predawn hours rendered me incapable of coherent thought.

Darynda Jones
Who knew that all this time the nectar of the Gods was in my va-jay-jay.

Darynda Jones
You totally need to watch the news." "Can't." "Why?" "It's too depressing." "Right, because hanging with dead people isn't.

Darynda Jones
Maybe I needed sensitivity training. I once signed up for an anger management class, but the instructor pissed me off.

Darynda Jones
This guy in high school tried to run me over with his dad's SUV. Bad shoved the vehicle through a store window. The memory brought a smile to my face.

Darynda Jones
Man, that woman was quick when she wanted to be. But put her behind the wheel of a Buick...

Darynda Jones
He had threatened my parents. I had to remember that. Still, it was really hard to stay mad at a wounded naked man.

Darynda Jones
An integral part of any best friend's job is to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Darynda Jones
After an epic search, I finally found something neither green nor fuzzy. It was a hot sausage link. I named it Peter, mostly because it seemed like the right thing to do. As soon as my java was piping hot I popped him into the microwave. hopefully the radioactive environment would sterilize Peter. No need to have little Peters running around, wreaking havoc.

Darynda Jones
I meant to behave. There were just too many other options.—T-SHIRT

Darynda Jones