Darynda Jones Quotes

162 Sourced Quotes

Who knew that all this time the nectar of the Gods was in my va-jay-jay.

Darynda Jones
You totally need to watch the news." "Can't." "Why?" "It's too depressing." "Right, because hanging with dead people isn't.

Darynda Jones
Maybe I needed sensitivity training. I once signed up for an anger management class, but the instructor pissed me off.

Darynda Jones
This guy in high school tried to run me over with his dad's SUV. Bad shoved the vehicle through a store window. The memory brought a smile to my face.

Darynda Jones
Man, that woman was quick when she wanted to be. But put her behind the wheel of a Buick...

Darynda Jones
He had threatened my parents. I had to remember that. Still, it was really hard to stay mad at a wounded naked man.

Darynda Jones
An integral part of any best friend's job is to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Darynda Jones
After an epic search, I finally found something neither green nor fuzzy. It was a hot sausage link. I named it Peter, mostly because it seemed like the right thing to do. As soon as my java was piping hot I popped him into the microwave. hopefully the radioactive environment would sterilize Peter. No need to have little Peters running around, wreaking havoc.

Darynda Jones
I meant to behave. There were just too many other options.—T-SHIRT

Darynda Jones
What do you want?" "You," he said, his voice lowering an octave. "I want you, Dutch, body and soul. I want you in my bed every night. I want you there when I wake up in the morning. I want your clothes strung across my apartment and your scent on my skin.

Darynda Jones
How would you like your eggs?" I tried. I really did. But I glanced at his crotch and it came out anyway. "Fertilized?

Darynda Jones
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. - T-SHIRT

Darynda Jones
You take everything onto your shoulders like that guy who holds up the world, and you shouldn't. You're not nearly as muscular.

Darynda Jones
Every night in my dreams, a man appeared from the darkest recesses of my mind, as if he'd been waiting for me to fall asleep. His mouth, full, masculine, would sear my flesh. His tongue, like flames across my skin, would send tiny sparks quaking through my body. Then he would dip south, and the heavens would open and a chorus singing hallelujah would ring out in perfect harmony.

Darynda Jones
Just in case, though, I stormed into my apartment, tossed a quick hello to Mr. Wong, then rummaged through my entertainment center to lay out all my exorcism equipment. I kept it in my entertainment center because exorcisms were nothing if not entertaining.

Darynda Jones
You're just using me for my body. You don't have a body, I'd remind him. Throw that in my face. Technically, you don't have a face either.

Darynda Jones
I pointed in the general vicinity of my left ovary, "This is Beam Me Up." Then to my right. "And this is Scotty." Garret chuckled and buried his face in his hands. He asked.

Darynda Jones
Ambulances were cool. You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts, I said to the EMT as I picked up a silver gadget that looked disturbingly like an alien orifice probe, broke it, then promptly put it back, hoping it wouldn't leave someone's life hanging in the balance because the EMT couldn't alien-probe his orifices.

Darynda Jones
That you honestly believe I am capable of hurting innocent people for no reason. You're not? I asked, hope softening my voice. Oh, no, I'm more than capable. I just didn't realize you knew that.

Darynda Jones
He'd actually hit me! It didn't matter that hitting me wasn't really like hitting a regular girl and I'd be completely healed in a matter of hours. I was still a freaking girl, and he damned well knew it. I'd just have to hit him back. With a lead pipe. Or an eighteen-wheeler.

Darynda Jones
SOME GIRLS WEAR PRADA. SOME GIRLS WEAR GLOCK 17 SHORT RECOIL SPRING-LOADED SEMIAUTOMATIC PISTOLS WITH A LOADED CHAMBER INDICATOR AND A NONSLIP GRIP. - T-SHIRT

Darynda Jones
Is it just me or does the fact that you live in the same building you were abducted into seem a bit morbid?" "Pffft. It's just you," I said, discounting the entire bizarre ghoulish thing.

Darynda Jones
I did that thing where you scratch your eyebrow and flip someone off at the same time. I'm good at multitasking like that.

Darynda Jones
Apparently, this really was Kill Charley Davidson Week. Or at least Horribly Maim Her.... It would probably never get government recognition, though, destined to be underappreciated like Halloween or Thesaurus Day.

Darynda Jones
Oh, and she told me that men want only one thing. And on that note, I must give praise and thanks to the powers that be. I don't want much else from them either.

Darynda Jones
My fore-parts, as you so ineloquently put it, have names. I pointed to my right breast. This is Danger. Then my left. And this is Will Robinson. I would appreciate it if you addressed them accordingly. After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, You named your breasts? I turned my back to him with a shrug. I named my ovaries, too, but they don't get out as much.

Darynda Jones
Death comes to those who wait. And to those who don't. So either way…

Darynda Jones
Dude, I said, leaning over the desk, I'm about as psychic as a carrot.

Darynda Jones
That boy needs a hobby." "Stalking is a hobby." "So is serial killing.

Darynda Jones
I love children, but I don't think I can eat a whole one.- Bumper sticker

Darynda Jones