Darynda Jones - First Grave on the Right (2011)

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You take everything onto your shoulders like that guy who holds up the world, and you shouldn't. You're not nearly as muscular.

Darynda Jones
Nobody wants to look like a fool. Nine times out of ten, that reason alone keeps people from allowing themselves to believe.

Darynda Jones
Still, this whole grim reaper thing should have come with a manual. Or a diagram of some kind. A flowchart would have been nice.

Darynda Jones
Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares? -Inspirational poster

Darynda Jones
Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that. - T-shirt

Darynda Jones
Felt my heartbeat falter, hesitate, then stumble awkwardly forward, tripping on the next beat, then the next, faster and faster until each one tumbled into the other like the drumroll of dominoes crashing together. Funny how time stands still when death is imminent.

Darynda Jones
He bombarded me with words, of all things, apparently clueless to the fact that the predawn hours rendered me incapable of coherent thought.

Darynda Jones
Maybe I needed sensitivity training. I once signed up for an anger management class, but the instructor pissed me off.

Darynda Jones
This guy in high school tried to run me over with his dad's SUV. Bad shoved the vehicle through a store window. The memory brought a smile to my face.

Darynda Jones
Can I jump in your body and make out with my wife through you? I fought a grin. It doesn't really work that way. Then can you just make out with my wife and pretend I'm in your body? No. I can pay. I have money. How much we talking?

Darynda Jones
I may not look like much, but I'm an expert at pretending to be a ninja.

Darynda Jones
I'd have a longer attention span if there weren't so many shiny things.

Darynda Jones
No, no, no, no, no. Anything but murder. Or rape. Or kidnapping. Or armed robbery. Or indecent exposure, 'cause that's just creepy.

Darynda Jones
Every night in my dreams, a man appeared from the darkest recesses of my mind, as if he'd been waiting for me to fall asleep. His mouth, full, masculine, would sear my flesh. His tongue, like flames across my skin, would send tiny sparks quaking through my body. Then he would dip south, and the heavens would open and a chorus singing hallelujah would ring out in perfect harmony.

Darynda Jones
Just in case, though, I stormed into my apartment, tossed a quick hello to Mr. Wong, then rummaged through my entertainment center to lay out all my exorcism equipment. I kept it in my entertainment center because exorcisms were nothing if not entertaining.

Darynda Jones
You're just using me for my body. You don't have a body, I'd remind him. Throw that in my face. Technically, you don't have a face either.

Darynda Jones
I pointed in the general vicinity of my left ovary, "This is Beam Me Up." Then to my right. "And this is Scotty." Garret chuckled and buried his face in his hands. He asked.

Darynda Jones
Ambulances were cool. You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts, I said to the EMT as I picked up a silver gadget that looked disturbingly like an alien orifice probe, broke it, then promptly put it back, hoping it wouldn't leave someone's life hanging in the balance because the EMT couldn't alien-probe his orifices.

Darynda Jones
Dude, I said, leaning over the desk, I'm about as psychic as a carrot.

Darynda Jones
Is it just me or does the fact that you live in the same building you were abducted into seem a bit morbid?" "Pffft. It's just you," I said, discounting the entire bizarre ghoulish thing.

Darynda Jones
My fore-parts, as you so ineloquently put it, have names. I pointed to my right breast. This is Danger. Then my left. And this is Will Robinson. I would appreciate it if you addressed them accordingly. After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, You named your breasts? I turned my back to him with a shrug. I named my ovaries, too, but they don't get out as much.

Darynda Jones
Oh, and she told me that men want only one thing. And on that note, I must give praise and thanks to the powers that be. I don't want much else from them either.

Darynda Jones
Apparently, this really was Kill Charley Davidson Week. Or at least Horribly Maim Her.... It would probably never get government recognition, though, destined to be underappreciated like Halloween or Thesaurus Day.

Darynda Jones
You rented the apartment with a dead guy in the corner? I shrugged. I wanted the apartment, and I figured I could cover him up with a bookcase or something.

Darynda Jones
You called me at four thirty-four....I hate four thirty-four. I think four thirty-four should be banned and replaced with something more reasonable, like, say, nine twelve.

Darynda Jones