Darynda Jones - First Grave on the Right (2011)

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Garrett must have sensed I was awake. "Hey Detective," he said to Uncle Bob, who was now trudging across the grating toward us. "I think we're losing her. I have no choice but to perform mouth-to-mouth." "Don't you dare," I said, my lids still in lockdown.

Darynda Jones
Oh, I forgot to tell you," Cookie said. "Amber wants your dad to get a teriyaki machine so she can sing for all the lonely barflies." "I'm a good singer, mom." Only a twelve-year-old could make the word mom sound blasphemous. I leaned into Cookie, "Does she know its not called—?" "No," she whispered. "Are you gonna tell her?" "No. It's much funnier this way.

Darynda Jones
Did you get checked out? Yeah, by a hot blond who sat in the corner of the bar and made googly eyes at me. I meant by a doctor. No, but a balding yet bizarrely hot paramedic said I'd be fine." Oh, and he's an expert? At flirting.

Darynda Jones
She didn't smile back. Not even a little. I totally needed to read that book on how to win friends and influence people. But that would involve an innate desire to win friends and influence people.

Darynda Jones
My calculations - allowing for a 12 percent margin of error, based on the radius of the corresponding confidence interval and the surgeon general's warning - concluded that they probably didn't stay behind for the tacos.

Darynda Jones
I stood and walked around the desk so I could stand over him. Menacingly. Like Darth Vader, only with better lung capacity.

Darynda Jones
A sheriff arrested me. I could be mistaken, but I'm pretty sure my men-in-uniform fetish began that day. The sheriff was hot. And he handcuffed me. I've never been the same.

Darynda Jones
I have three words for you," EMT Guy said. "Possible internal bleeding." I turned back to him. "Don't you think if I was bleeding internally, I'd know somewhere deep inside? Like, internally?

Darynda Jones
He said you sparkle like a newborn galaxy and have more attitude than a rich kid with his daddy's Porsche.

Darynda Jones
While I was busy reminiscing about my first day on earth, I had forgotten that I was falling to my death. Damned ADD.

Darynda Jones
I know what kind of man it takes to get involved with something as barbarous as human trafficking. I get it, Swopes. He's not the kind of man you take home to meet your stepmom. I rethought that. Wait a minute. Maybe my stepmom would like to meet him. Do you think he ships to Istanbul?

Darynda Jones
Dead people I could handle. They were usually beyond hysteria. This was the people-left behind part. The hard part.

Darynda Jones
I went down like a drunken cowgirl trying to line dance to Metallica.

Darynda Jones
We really should get some X-rays, the EMT said. You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts, I said to the EMT.

Darynda Jones
I'd never taken to four foot creatures who had the uncanny ability to point out all my flaws in thirty second flat. And just for the record, I can too read without moving my lips.

Darynda Jones