Henny Youngman Quotes

15 Sourced Quotes

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

Henny Youngman
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.

Henny Youngman
Business was so bad the other night the orchestra was playing "Tea for One."

Henny Youngman
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

Henny Youngman
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Henny Youngman
My wife told me the car wasn't running well. There was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

Henny Youngman
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

Henny Youngman
My dad was the town drunk. Usually that's not so bad, but New York City?

Henny Youngman
I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today.

Henny Youngman
Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

Henny Youngman
I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

Henny Youngman
He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.

Henny Youngman
I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

Henny Youngman
I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

Henny Youngman
If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?

Henny Youngman