Daniel Handler Quotes

153 Sourced Quotes

Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.

Daniel Handler
Oftentimes, when people are miserable, they will want to make other people miserable, too. But it never helps. -Lemony Snicket

Daniel Handler
Take back the smile and the night, take it all back, I wish I could.

Daniel Handler
I stayed there loving you, though the love made me, not sad but I guess melancholy, for a reason I couldn't point to.

Daniel Handler
Carmelita Spats, who oughtta be told "Gorgeous" does not start with an M.

Daniel Handler
I'm sure you have heard it said that appearance does not matter so much, and that it is what's on the inside that counts. This is, of course, utter nonsense, because if it were true then people who were good on the inside would never have to comb their hair or take a bath, and the whole world would smell even worse than it already does. -Lemony Snicket

Daniel Handler
Over the years they had developed a layer of sincerity over the irony over the sincerity. It was an irony sandwich, then, which tasted mostly like sincerity, like a cheap, bad sandwich.

Daniel Handler
The story of the Baudelaires does not take place in a fictional land where lollipops grow on trees and singing mice do all of the chores. The story of the Baudelaires takes place in a very real world, where some people are laughed at just because they have something wrong with them, and where children can find themselves all alone in the world, struggling to understand the sinister mystery that surrounds them....

Daniel Handler
A newspaper, as I'm sure you know, is a collection of supposedly true stories written down by writers who either saw them happen or talked to people who did. These writers are called journalists, and like telephone operators, butchers, ballerinas, and people who clean up after horses, journalists can sometimes make mistakes. - Lemony Snicket

Daniel Handler
Lemony Snicket: (narrating) But the three siblings were not born yesterday. Violet was born more than fifteen years before this particular Wednesday, and Klaus was born approximately two years after that, and even Sunny, who had just passed out of babyhood, was not born yesterday. Neither were you, unless of course I am wrong, in which case welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life.

Daniel Handler
Who would dare think that, forever? Some idiot girl who wouldn't know how things played out.

Daniel Handler
The pages of this book, I'm sorry to inform you, contain such unpleasantries as a giant pincer machine, a bad casserole, a man with a cloud of smoke where his head should be, a hypnotist, a terrible accident resulting in injury, and coupons.

Daniel Handler
"I love you, too" David said and took the bottle.
"I want you to love me in particular," Helena said

Daniel Handler
Stealing, of course, is a crime, and a very impolite thing to do. But like most impolite things, it is excusable under certain circumstances. Stealing is not excusable if, for instance, you are in a museum and you decide that a certain painting would look better in your house, and you simply grab the painting and take it there. But if you were very, very hungry, and you had no way of obtaining money, it might be excusable to grab the painting, take it to your house, and eat it. -Lemony Snicket

Daniel Handler
I'll have ten grams of rice, Mrs. Bass interrupted, one tenth of a hectogram of shrimp vindaloo, a dekagram of chana aloo masala, one thousand centigrams of tandori salmon, four samosas with surface area of nineteen cubic centimeters, five deciliters of mango lassi, and a sada rava dosai that's exactly nineteen centimeters long.

Daniel Handler
The world is a harum-scarum place."
"Harum?" Sunny asked.
It's complicated and confusing," Olivia explained. They say that long ago it was simple and quiet, but that might be a legend.

Daniel Handler
This is love, and the trouble with it: it can make you embarrassed. Love is really liking someone a whole lot and not wanting to screw that up. Everybody's chewed over this. This unites us, this part of love.

Daniel Handler
As the aphorism says, If you have to ask, you can't afford it.

Daniel Handler
God, or somebody, what is it with terrible things? If you made this world why not a better one?

Daniel Handler
She said, "We're detectives" in the tone of voice that someone might say, "Making you happy isn't making me happy"

Daniel Handler
You'd think that sweet would be a land far, far away from irritating, but as it turns out they're right next door, and always having border disputes.

Daniel Handler
He's been misled and he's been afraid. He's been hit in the head and left for dead. He's been abused and he's been accused and he's been refused a piece of bread. On and on he goes down this road getting pushed around and lost and around and given until sundown to get out of town, and yet this is basically a love song. He's had the shit kicked out of him, and guess what? It's love.

Daniel Handler
This world is suchier than we are, and the best thing to do is keep moving and find your keys.

Daniel Handler
There is evil out there you cannot even imagine. -Captain Widdershins

Daniel Handler
I opened my mouth and kissed you then, the first time all night, attacked you and surrendered completely, and let's get out of here. I'm ready, I'm finished, let's not break up, no, no. Take me home, my boyfriend, my love.

Daniel Handler
Wherever it's good, whatever strange, faraway land, let's go there, let's stay in that place alone.

Daniel Handler
In this large and fierce world of ours, there are many, many unpleasant places to be. You can be in a river swarming with angry electric eels, or in a supermarket filled with vicious long-distance runners. You can be in a hotel that has no room service, or you can be lost in a forest that is slowly filling up with water. You can be in a hornet's nest or in an abandoned airport or the office of a pediatric surgeon, but one of the most unpleasant things that can happen is to find yourself in a quandary. - Lemony Snicket

Daniel Handler
"Instead of change, please give me gun so i can shoot you." She is soft-spoken but short and full of rage lately, like her whole life.

Daniel Handler
Miracles are like meatballs because nobody knows what they are made of, where they came from or how often they should appear.

Daniel Handler
"Oh my god!" Hillary is standing in the doorway of the bathroom of the bathroom which on one had is surprising but there's the other hand, too.

Daniel Handler