Daniel Handler Quotes

153 Sourced Quotes

And then of course the music sprang up, lousy rock as bold and dull as a giant potato. Love this song, Todd said, like it was unusually brave to like what was number one on the radio...

Daniel Handler
In order to spare you any further repulsion, it would be best not to mention any of the unpleasant details of this story, particularly a secret message, a toboggan, a deceitful trap, a swarm of snow gnats, a scheming villain, a troupe of organized youngsters, a covered casserole dish, and a surprising survivor of a terrible fire.

Daniel Handler
The right boys I always toss and the wrong ones I keep on top of me like paperweights.

Daniel Handler
C is for Cute
A is for Adorable
R is for Ravishing
M is for Gorgeous
E is for Excellent
L is for Lovable
I is for I'm the best!
T is for Talented
A is for A tap dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian! NOW LET'S START MY WHOLE WONDERFUL SONG ALL OVER AGAIN!

Daniel Handler
Shyness is a very curious thing, because, like quicksand, it can strike people are any time, and also, like quicksand, it usually makes its victims look down.

Daniel Handler
Miracles are like meatballs because nobody knows what they are made of, where they came from or how often they should appear.

Daniel Handler
Olaf: I'm a genius! I've solved all of our problems! Look!
Violet: Renaming the boat doesn't solve any of our problems.

Daniel Handler
Every last souvenir of the love we had, the prizes & the debris of this relationship, like the glitter in the gutter when the parade has passed, all the everything & whatnot kicked to the curb.

Daniel Handler
I was too jitterbuggy happy to sleep, and the whole day kept playing in my brain's little screening room.

Daniel Handler
Money money money money money money money money money. Let no one say it has no place in a love story. It has a particular place. It is something on the right shelf.

Daniel Handler
Love can smack you like a seagull, and pour all over your feet like junkmail. You can't be ready for such a thing any more than salt water taffy gets you ready for the ocean.

Daniel Handler
Richard Wright, an American novelist of the realist school, asks a famous unfathomable question in his best-known novel, Native Son. Who knows when some slight shock, he asks, disturbing the delicate balance between social order and thirsty aspiration, shall send the skyscrapers in our cities toppling?

Daniel Handler
"I know" Helena said and this is another example of why behave this way? Things just poured out of her mouth lately, like vomit, and sometimes it actually was.

Daniel Handler
On the day you officially join the organization, you will hear a noise outside your home. It may sound like the howl of a wolf, the chirping of a cricket, the engine of an automobile, the keys of a typewriter, the striking of a match, or the turning of a page. The noise will come in the middle of the night, the middle of the morning, or, in very rare cases, late in the afternoon. Ask your parents what the noise was. If they reply 'nothing,' they are replying in code, because there is never 'nothing' outside one's home. If you are interested in volunteering, answer your parents with the following question: 'If there's nothing out there, what was that noise?' We will be listening, and will know it is safe to act. — V. F. D.

Daniel Handler
This is like a cookie, it tastes like a cookie having sex with a doughnut.

Daniel Handler
If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels, and if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it.

Daniel Handler
The moral of 'The Three Bears,' for instance, is 'Never break into someone else's house." The moral of "Snow White" is "Never eat apples." The moral of World War One is "Never assassinate Archduke Ferdinand". -Lemony Snicket

Daniel Handler
I will love you no matter how many mistakes I make when trying to reduce fractions, and no matter how difficult it is to memorize the periodic table.

Daniel Handler
Everyone on earth would never starve and forever find love and happiness, since we won, but if we'd lost, they would have gouged out our eyes and thrown us naked onto hot coals and poisonous snakes for all the cheering and hugging at the end, strangers hugging like the end of The Omega Virus when Steve Sturmine finds the antidote.

Daniel Handler
I will love you as the iceberg loves the ship, and the passengers love the lifeboat and the lifeboat loves the teeth of the sperm whale, and the sperm whale loves the flavor of naval uniforms.

Daniel Handler
I never want to be away from you again, except at work, in the restroom or when one of us is at a movie the other does not want to see.

Daniel Handler
Over the years they had developed a layer of sincerity over the irony over the sincerity. It was an irony sandwich, then, which tasted mostly like sincerity, like a cheap, bad sandwich.

Daniel Handler
I have promised to write down the entire history of these three poor children, but you haven't, so if you prefer stories that are more heartwarming, please feel free to make another selection.

Daniel Handler
Truth be told, within the chapters that make up this dreadful story, the children will face snapping crabs, strict punishments, dripping fungus, comprehensive exams, violin recitals, S. O. R. E., and the metric system.

Daniel Handler
He's been misled and he's been afraid. He's been hit in the head and left for dead. He's been abused and he's been accused and he's been refused a piece of bread. On and on he goes down this road getting pushed around and lost and around and given until sundown to get out of town, and yet this is basically a love song. He's had the shit kicked out of him, and guess what? It's love.

Daniel Handler