Daniel Handler Quotes

153 Sourced Quotes

Get out of my way, you cakesniffers! -Carmelita Spats

Daniel Handler
The pages of this book, I'm sorry to inform you, contain such unpleasantries as a giant pincer machine, a bad casserole, a man with a cloud of smoke where his head should be, a hypnotist, a terrible accident resulting in injury, and coupons.

Daniel Handler
You'd think that sweet would be a land far, far away from irritating, but as it turns out they're right next door, and always having border disputes.

Daniel Handler
It is my solemn duty to stay up all night researching and writing the history of these three hapless youngsters, but you may be more comfortable getting a good night's sleep. In that case, you should probably choose some other book.

Daniel Handler
There are so many movies like this, where you thought you were smarter than the screen but the director was smarter than you, of course he's the one, of course it was a dream, of course she's dead, of course, it's hidden right there, of course it's the truth and you in your seat have failed to notice in the dark.

Daniel Handler
Chestnuts in stuffing tastes like someone chewed up a tree branch and then French-kissed it into your mouth.

Daniel Handler
Friday: Baudelaires, please come with me.
Olaf: What about me?
Friday: Go away.

Daniel Handler
Everything else has vanished, so you take them now. Maybe if you're the one keeping them, I'll be the one feeling better.

Daniel Handler
[she] gave me a puzzled frown like she thought offhand i was dead but the media's so unreliable these days.

Daniel Handler
As the hook-handed man circled the brig, it was as if the Baudelaires were picking through a chef's salad consisting mostly of dreadful- and perhaps even poisonous- ingredients, trying desperately to find the one noble crouton that might save their sister....

Daniel Handler
In this large and fierce world of ours, there are many, many unpleasant places to be. You can be in a river swarming with angry electric eels, or in a supermarket filled with vicious long-distance runners. You can be in a hotel that has no room service, or you can be lost in a forest that is slowly filling up with water. You can be in a hornet's nest or in an abandoned airport or the office of a pediatric surgeon, but one of the most unpleasant things that can happen is to find yourself in a quandary. - Lemony Snicket

Daniel Handler
Judgmentally, judgmentally, judgmentally I would believe in you and sword fight others who did not, any necessary sacrifice if you were in the mood for that.

Daniel Handler
It's hard for decent people to stay angry at someone who has burst into tears, which is why it is often a good idea to burst into tears if a decent person is yelling at you.

Daniel Handler
"Yeah, I have a question," said the guy with the wicked eyes... "My question is, I quit. I'm going to quit."

Daniel Handler
People aren't either wicked or noble, the hook-handed man said. They're like chef's salad, with good things and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict.

Daniel Handler
They are all one, the mothers of us all, like the money you spent. Imagine the vanish of weight if the advice of your mother never existed. They tell us things, unless we have no mothers and either way things turn out such that nothing you've ever heard is ever any help.

Daniel Handler
"I love you, too" David said and took the bottle.
"I want you to love me in particular," Helena said

Daniel Handler
Who would dare think that, forever? Some idiot girl who wouldn't know how things played out.

Daniel Handler
"Oh my god!" Hillary is standing in the doorway of the bathroom of the bathroom which on one had is surprising but there's the other hand, too.

Daniel Handler
The whole thing of what I've been trying, you said, is that you're different, and you keep asking about the other girls, but what I mean is that I don't think about them, because of the way you are.

Daniel Handler