Bill Hicks Quotes

114 Sourced Quotes

Where have I been? I've been on my flying saucer tour. Which means like flying saucers I too have been appearing in small southern towns in front of a handful of hillbillies lately... no one doubts my existence.

Bill Hicks
It's all about money, not freedom, y'all, okay? Nothing to do with fuckin' freedom. If you think you're free, try going somewhere without fucking money, okay?

Bill Hicks
I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift.

Bill Hicks
Another thing. This idea of "I'm offended". Well I've got news for you. I'm offended by a lot of things too. Where do I send my list? Life is offensive. You know what I mean? Just get in touch with your outer adult. And grow up. And move on. Reasonable people don't write letters because... A: They have lives and B, they understand it's just TV. C: If they see something they don't like, something they do like might be on later. I've seen many comics I've hated. I've seen many shows that have offended me. I've never written a letter. I just go about my life.

Bill Hicks
What I do, and I know all smokers do this. You know how every cigarette pack has a different surgeon general's warning on it, how cool. Mine say, "Smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth."... fuck it. [laughs] I found my brand. Just don't get the ones that say, "Lung Cancer," ya know, shop around. Hell gimme a carton of them Low Birth Weights. What the fuck do I care? 'Why you so down Bill?' Low Birth Weight. Yeah, I'm smokin' way too many Low Birth Weights.

Bill Hicks
I've noticed a certain anti-intellectualism going around this country; since about 1980, coincidentally enough. … I was in Nashville, Tennessee, and after the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, but I was hungry. And I'm sitting there eating and reading a book. I don't know anybody, I'm alone, so I'm reading a book. The waitress comes over to me like, [gum smacking] "What'chu readin' for?" I had never been asked that. Not "What am I reading?", but "What am I reading for?" Goddammit, you stumped me. Hmm, why do I read? I suppose I read for a lot of reasons, one of the main ones being so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress.

Bill Hicks
Writing, acting, music, comedy. A deep love of literature and books. Thank God for all the artists who've helped me.

Bill Hicks
I have this new fear, because I know that I'm in a state of emotional arrested development. But I know that if anyone could go to the video store near my house and check out what I've been renting for the past year, it's fairly frightening. Unbelievable evidence of an emotional digression going on here: porno movies and video games. What am I, thirteen, emotionally? I mean, I'm looking at this receipt I got from them, and it's like, Clam Lappers and Sonic the Hedgehog. That was one weekend. That was Easter weekend. Something's going on with me, man. That's a pretty scary way to celebrate the resurrection of Christ, with Clam Lappers and Sonic-fucking-Hedgehog.

Bill Hicks
You know what causes sexual thoughts? I'm gonna clear the air for you tonight. I'm gonna end this debate, hopefully once and for all while on this planet, 'cause outer space awaits our presence, we are better and more unique creatures than this and all eternity is our playground, so let me go ahead and clear this one issue up once and for all and let's move on to real issues. Can we? Great. Here's what causes sexual thoughts. Ready, drumroll: having a dick.

Bill Hicks
I wish I could meet a Christian who would proselytize to me, but they keep running away from me. I wanna talk to you all.

Bill Hicks
I go to dance clubs...about once a year just to justify the other 364 days I spend in my apartment going 'God, what idiots!'

Bill Hicks
Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um – they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right? There's another 90 percent of our brains that we have to illuminate.

Bill Hicks
I saw a sign on the side of the road in Tennessee once that said 'dirt for sale'... what a great country we live in. DIRT for sale. How would you like to get inside that guys mind and look around for a hour? That guy sees opportunity at every glance, doesn't he? It's a big world for this gentleman. 'Oh my god, honey! Honey quit servin' waffles and come here baby. I'm gunna sell dirt! Look it's everywhere. You need it for our planet, honey!' The place was called Land Land.

Bill Hicks
[takes a drag of his cigarette] Mmmm mmmm, tastes like steak and potatoes doesn't it? Mmmm.

Bill Hicks
On being censored:
I didn't go up and say the Pope's a faggot!.... Which is he is, but I didn't say that!

Bill Hicks
There's a new party being born: The People Who Hate People Party. People who hate people, come together! "No!" We're kind of having trouble getting off the boards, you know. Come to our meeting! "Are you gonna be there?" Yeah. "Then I ain't fucking coming." But you're our strongest member! "Fuck you!" That's what I'm talking about, you asshole. "Fuck off!" Damn, we almost had a meeting going. It's so hard to get my people together.

Bill Hicks
"God put [dinosaur fossils] here to test our faith!" … I think God put you here to test my faith, dude. Does that bother anybody else, the idea that God might be fucking with our heads? I have trouble sleeping with that knowledge. Some prankster God runnin' around, [pantomimes digging] "We'll see who believes in me now. I am the Prankster God – I am killing me!"

Bill Hicks
What's gonna happen to the arms industry when we realize we're all One?...You can see why the government's cracking down.

Bill Hicks
I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, "What's wrong?" Nothing. "Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile." Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?

Bill Hicks
You ever look at their faces? "We're pro-life." Don't they look it? Don't they just exude joie de vivre?

Bill Hicks
[to audience member] How much do you smoke a day sir? [the man says a pack] Pack! What a little puss. Gosh, why don't you just put a dress on and show it all to us while you smoke your little faggoty pack. C'mon, swish around for us. Damnit that pisses me off. I go through two lighters a day, dude. I'm starting to feel it.

Bill Hicks
They believe the bible is the exact word of God - Then they change the bible! Pretty presumptuous, hu huh? "I think what God meant to say..."

Bill Hicks
Why is pot against the law? It wouldn't be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you can't make a profit off it, would it?

Bill Hicks
People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.

Bill Hicks
The worst kind of non-smoker is the one when you're smoking and they just walk up to you [mocks a person faking a cough] I always say 'shit, you're lucky you don't smoke. That's a hell of a cough you got there. I smoke all day and don't cough like that. Maybe you were conceived with a weak sperm or somethin'. Maybe your dad was jackin' off and your mom sat on it at the last second.' Did I overreact? I don't think I did. I think that's kind of cruel, I'm smoking and you come up coughing at me, Jesus. Do you go up to crippled people and start dancing too, you fuck? [starts dancing] Hey Mr. Wheelchair, what's your problem? C'mon iron-side, race ya. Fuckin' sadists. I mean the nerve!

Bill Hicks