Bill Hicks - Arizona Bay

8 Sourced Quotes

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During the LA riots English people were trying to sympathize with me, "Oh Bill, crime is horrible. If it's any consolation, crime is awful here, too." Shut up. This is Hobbiton and I'm Bill-bo Hicks … You gotta see English crime. It's hilarious. You don't know if you're reading the front page or the comic section over there. I swear to God. I read an article front page of the paper one day, in England: "Yesterday, some hooligans knocked over a dustbin in Shaftesbury." … Wooooo. The hooligans are loose! The hooligans are loose! … What if they become ruffians? I would hate to be a dustbin in Shaftesbury tonight. [to the tune of "Behind Blue Eyes" by The Who] "No one knows what it's like … to be a dustbin … in Shaftesbury … with hooligans …"

Bill Hicks
How many people, when you watched the LA riots on the news, were like me, watching the people getting hauled out of their cars and beaten half to death? How many people were like me seeing this and thinking "Step on the fucking gas, man. They're on foot, you're in a truck … I think I see a way outta this."

Bill Hicks
People say to me, "Bill, quit bringing up Kennedy, man. Let it go. It was a long time ago. Just forget about it." All right, then don't bring up Jesus to me. I mean, as long as we're talking shelf-life here. "You know, Bill, Jesus died for you …" Yeah, it was a long time ago. Forget about it. How about this: get Pilate to release the fuckin' files. "Quit washing your hands, Pilate, and release the files. Who else was on that grassy Golgotha that day? Oh yeah, the three Roman peasants in $100 sandals. Yeah, right!"

Bill Hicks
I tell you, Satan's gonna have no trouble taking over here 'cause all the women are gonna say: "What a cute butt." "He's Satan!" "You don't know him like I do." "He's the Prince of Darkness!" "I can change him."

Bill Hicks
I have this new fear, because I know that I'm in a state of emotional arrested development. But I know that if anyone could go to the video store near my house and check out what I've been renting for the past year, it's fairly frightening. Unbelievable evidence of an emotional digression going on here: porno movies and video games. What am I, thirteen, emotionally? I mean, I'm looking at this receipt I got from them, and it's like, Clam Lappers and Sonic the Hedgehog. That was one weekend. That was Easter weekend. Something's going on with me, man. That's a pretty scary way to celebrate the resurrection of Christ, with Clam Lappers and Sonic-fucking-Hedgehog.

Bill Hicks
Courtroom for Ted Bundy's trial is packed with women, trying to meet him and give him love letters and wedding-fucking-proposals... and the first thought that enters my mind is, "And I'm not getting laid." What am I doing wrong?

Bill Hicks
We have women priests now. What do y'all think of that, women priests? [scattered applause] I think that's fine. So what? Now we've got priests of both sexes that I don't listen to.

Bill Hicks
You ever notice that people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day." Yeah, looks like he rushed it.

Bill Hicks