Bill Hicks - Life Quotes

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Wouldn't you like to see a positive LSD story on the news? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition? Perhaps? Wouldn't that be interesting? Just for once? "Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration – that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather."

Bill Hicks
They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.

Bill Hicks
People say to me, "Bill, quit bringing up Kennedy, man. Let it go. It was a long time ago. Just forget about it." All right, then don't bring up Jesus to me. I mean, as long as we're talking shelf-life here. "You know, Bill, Jesus died for you …" Yeah, it was a long time ago. Forget about it. How about this: get Pilate to release the fuckin' files. "Quit washing your hands, Pilate, and release the files. Who else was on that grassy Golgotha that day? Oh yeah, the three Roman peasants in $100 sandals. Yeah, right!"

Bill Hicks
Another thing. This idea of "I'm offended". Well I've got news for you. I'm offended by a lot of things too. Where do I send my list? Life is offensive. You know what I mean? Just get in touch with your outer adult. And grow up. And move on. Reasonable people don't write letters because... A: They have lives and B, they understand it's just TV. C: If they see something they don't like, something they do like might be on later. I've seen many comics I've hated. I've seen many shows that have offended me. I've never written a letter. I just go about my life.

Bill Hicks
I think it's interesting the two drugs that are legal, alcohol and cigarettes, two drugs that do absolutely nothing for you at all, are legal, and the drugs that might open your mind up to realize how badly you're being fucked every day of your life? Those drugs are against the law. He-heh, coincidence? See, I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, 'cause I took 'em one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, Now, if that isn't a hazard to our country... how are we gonna justify arms dealing if we know we're all one?!

Bill Hicks
Did you know that when a guy comes, he comes 200 million sperm? And you're trying to tell me that your child is special because one out of 200 million — that load! we're talking one load! — connected. Gee, what are the fucking odds? 200 million; you know what that means? I have wiped civilizations off my chest with a gray gym sock. That is special. Entire nations have flaked and crusted in the hair around my navel! That is special. And I want you to remember that, you two egg-carrying beings out there, with that holier-than-thou "we have the gift of life" attitude. I've tossed universes... in my underpants... while napping! Boom! A milky way shoots into my jockey shorts, "Aaaah, what's for fucking breakfast?"

Bill Hicks
I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift.

Bill Hicks
You ever look at their faces? "We're pro-life." Don't they look it? Don't they just exude joie de vivre?

Bill Hicks
See, I know you entertain some kind of eternal life fantasy because you've chosen not to smoke; let me be the first to pop that fucking bubble and send you hurtling back to reality – because you're dead too. And you know what doctors say: "Shit, if only you'd smoked, we'd have the technology to help you. It's you people dying from nothing who are screwed." I got lots of stuff waiting for me: oxygen tent, iron lung, electronic voice box; it's like going to Sharper Image when I die.

Bill Hicks
The majority of people are very reasonable I've found, but ya know what, they don't write letters when something offends them on TV, because reasonable people know IT'S JUST TELEVISION! Not only that, reasonable people have a life! They're not sitting in some trailer with some crayon in their hand, some chicken scrawl going 'I saw a guy talk about Jesus on the tube! I ain't gone tune in no more!'And also reasonable people know ultimately they're just jokes! Are you so afraid of a guy telling jokes!

Bill Hicks