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The marketing department uses many advanced techniques to match products and buyers in a way that maximizes profits. For example, they give away keychains.
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Our salmon sandwiches are so good you'll want to swim upstream to our kitchen and spawn. But please don't.
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If you want to kill an idea without being identified as the assassin, suggest that the legal department take a look at it.
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The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.
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There's nothing more humbling than seeing your best quotes in a list, and thinking they could have been written by a coma patient with a keyboard and spasms.
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The job isn't done until you've blamed someone for the parts that went wrong.
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If an economist uses a complicated model to predict just about anything, you can ignore it. By analogy, a doctor can't tell you the exact date of your death in 50 years. But if a doctor tells you to eat less and exercise more, that's good advice even if you later get hit by a bus. Along those same lines, economists can give useful general advice on the economy, even if you know there will be surprises. Still, be skeptical.
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Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. — Dogbert's Motto
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Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.
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If you spend all your time arguing with people who are nuts, you'll be exhausted and the nuts will still be nuts.
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All great ideas look like bad ideas to people who are losers. It's always good to test a new idea with known losers to make sure they don't like it.
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Mission Statement: A long awkward sentence that demonstrates management's inability to think clearly.
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Years later, when "Dilbert" was in thousands of newspapers, people often asked me if I ever imagined being so lucky. I usually said no, because that's the answer people expected. The truth is that I imagined every bit of good fortune that has come my way. But in my imagination I also invented a belt that would allow me to fly and had special permission from Congress to urinate like a bird wherever I wanted. I wake up every morning disappointed that I have to wear pants and walk. Imagination has a way of breeding disappointment.
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Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.
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This sandwich used to include endive, but no one wanted to eat a BELT.
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Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information.
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Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
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Ask a deeply religious Christian if he'd rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how to set up a wireless network in his house. On the scale of prejudice, atheists don't seem so bad lately.
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Intelligence is a measure of how well you function within your level of awareness.
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The human mind is a delusion generator, not a window to truth.
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You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.
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Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.
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There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the proper application of fonts and color.
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If you have questions about this salad, give your server the spinach inquisition.
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If there is one thing that our role models in this election have taught us, it's that omitting important information is completely different from lying.
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Quote of the day
Autumn burned brightly, a running flame through the mountains, a torch flung to the trees.
Faith Baldwin
Scott Adams
Born:
June 8, 1957
(age 66)
Bio:
Scott Raymond Adams is an American cartoonist, creator of the Dilbert comic strip and the author of several nonfiction works of satire, commentary, business, and general speculation.
Known for:
God's Debris (2001)
The Religion War (2004)
Dilbert (1996)
Dogbert's Top Secret Management Handbook (1996)
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