Scott Adams - Dilbert (1996)

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Caring about the quality of your work causes stress. Stress can kill you. Maintain good health by remembering that the stockholders are complete strangers who have never done anything for you.

Scott Adams
Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

Scott Adams
You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.

Scott Adams
People are so conditioned to take sides that a balanced analysis looks to them like hatred.

Scott Adams
They say that dogs lick their own genitalia because they can. But I think it's at least partially because they don't have the Internet.

Scott Adams
These days it seems like any idiot with a laptop computer can churn out a business book and make a few bucks. That's certainly what I'm hoping. It would be a real letdown if the trend changed before this masterpiece goes to print.

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Hard work is rewarding. Taking credit for other people's hard work is rewarding and faster.

Scott Adams
Focus groups are people who are selected on the basis of their inexplicable free time and their common love of free sandwiches.

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The Dilbert Principle: The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage - Management.

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Just because no one has ever gotten better from Spasmodic Dysphonia before doesn't mean I can't be the first.

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There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the proper application of fonts and color.

Scott Adams
Good advertising can make people buy your product even if it sucks... A dollar spent on brainwashing is more cost-effective than a dollar spent on product improvement.

Scott Adams
We're a planet of nearly six billion ninnies living in a civilization that was designed by a few thousand amazingly smart deviants.

Scott Adams
Reporters are faced with the daily choice of painstakingly researching stories or writing whatever people tell them. Both approaches pay the same.

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Decisions are made by people who have time, not people who have talent.

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The best way to compile inaccurate information that no one wants is to make it up.

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No matter how smart you are, you spend much of your day being an idiot.

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We expect others to act rationally even though we are irrational.

Scott Adams
In Japan, employees occasionally work themselves to death. It's called Karoshi. I don't want that to happen to anybody in my department. The trick is to take a break as soon as you see a bright light and hear dead relatives beckon.

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There's a gigantic gray area between good moral behavior and outright felonious activities. I call that the Weasel Zone and it's where most of life happens.

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Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

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Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information.

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Mission Statement: A long awkward sentence that demonstrates management's inability to think clearly.

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All great ideas look like bad ideas to people who are losers. It's always good to test a new idea with known losers to make sure they don't like it.

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If you spend all your time arguing with people who are nuts, you'll be exhausted and the nuts will still be nuts.

Scott Adams
The job isn't done until you've blamed someone for the parts that went wrong.

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There's nothing more humbling than seeing your best quotes in a list, and thinking they could have been written by a coma patient with a keyboard and spasms.

Scott Adams
If you want to kill an idea without being identified as the assassin, suggest that the legal department take a look at it.

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The marketing department uses many advanced techniques to match products and buyers in a way that maximizes profits. For example, they give away keychains.

Scott Adams
Ask a deeply religious Christian if he'd rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how to set up a wireless network in his house. On the scale of prejudice, atheists don't seem so bad lately.

Scott Adams