Kevin Hearne Quotes

56 Sourced Quotes

That's right, there's free beer in Irish paradise. Everyone's jealous.

Kevin Hearne
Icy glares from vampires are far icier than icy glares from people and when the vampire giving you an icy glare is originally from Iceland, you're confronted with the archetypal origin of the term, and you shouldn't be surprised if your core body temperature drops a few degrees.

Kevin Hearne
Not everyone can be bribed with meat, Oberon." "They Can't? Oh! you mean they're vegetarian." "No, they eat meat. It just doesn't sway their decision making process." "Well that... that's just wrong, Atticus! Are they Monsters? It's like they have no moral center!

Kevin Hearne
Gods can screw anything and anybody. For reference, see history. Atticus O'Sullivan

Kevin Hearne
I can't spend too much time in the forests because I invariably leave traces-ridiculously happy trees, basically, since I'm the last Druid in the world and they tend to geek out like Joss Whedon fans when I show up.

Kevin Hearne
You are telling me that your lawyer is a bloodsucking vampire?

Kevin Hearne
That is a noble idea, though I think it far to generous," Jupiter said. "Once a decade should be sufficient." "I would rather be too generous than not in such cases." "As you wish." [One day, Atticus was amazed to discover that when Jupiter said, "As you wish," what he really meant was "I love you."]

Kevin Hearne
Monty Python is like catnip for nerds. Once you get them started quoting it, they are constitutionally incapable of feeling depressed.

Kevin Hearne
They never predict anything fun," Granuaile answered. "Just once I'd like to hear a prophet tell someone, 'Thou shalt win a bitchin' Camaro on a game show.

Kevin Hearne
The Morrigan's ideas of sport and mine varied widely. As a Chooser of the Slain, she tends to enjoy nothing so much as a protracted war. She hangs out with Kali and the Valkyries and they have a death goddesses' night out on the battlefield.

Kevin Hearne
No worries, Atticus. I will snarf surreptitiously. And I should get bacon, because my adverb was two syllables longer than yours, plus a bonus for alliteration." I grinned. "It's a deal. You're the best hound ever.

Kevin Hearne
They'll have to bring in Mulder an' Scully, because there ain't no CSI on the planet that'll ever be able to explain this.

Kevin Hearne
People used to say obvious things ironically or as a form of understatement, but in the last few decades they seem to say it with a sense of discovery, and it worries me.

Kevin Hearne
Anyone who's ever tried to tangle with a teddy bear cholla knows there's a whole lot more bear than teddy to it.

Kevin Hearne
Lie down and offer your throat. No, wait, that's how dogs submit. I know! Offer her you're wallet!" Oberon

Kevin Hearne
Now go and stake some vamps. Especially the sparkly emo ones.

Kevin Hearne
Ye know what me Sean used to say, God rest his soul? He said, 'A friend will help ye move, Katie, but a really good friend will help ye move a body.

Kevin Hearne
If I waved that in front of a museum curator, he'd promptly lose control of his salivary glands.

Kevin Hearne
He will spit you and roast you with rosemary, and we will all sample your flesh tonight. Tomorrow you will be shat out into the snow. Your diplomacy is bold and edgy, sir.

Kevin Hearne
My mouth gaped and I think I might have whimpered. The Norns had obliterated him completely—a creature they'd known for centuries—because of me. It was like watching Rudolph get shot by Santa Claus.

Kevin Hearne
Peace be with you," I said, and as I turned to resume my journey with Coyote, I added under my breath, "and asskicking be with me.

Kevin Hearne
It's best not to experiment on yourself. Bacon practically froze himself to death in one of his experiments and died of pneumonia. {Right! Bacon must be heated. Knew that already, but thanks for the reminder.}

Kevin Hearne
I yawned and stretched luxuriously in the morning. I make noises when I stretch because it feels ten times better than stretching silently.

Kevin Hearne
But now that she was my apprentice, every such thought caused a guilty twitch in my neck, as if someone had dropped a sleek, stinky ferret there. Guilt ferrets are bastards.

Kevin Hearne
Brighid's eyes flashed with a blue flame, and I wondered if she had learned to do that just so she could compete with the Morrigan's red flashes. Maybe I should try to figure out how to make my eyes flash green so I could freak out the baristas at Starbucks. No, you foolish mortal, I'd say as my eyes glowed, I ordered a nonfat latte.

Kevin Hearne
Awesome! I'd just bullied Jesus into doing a shot with me. Nobody would ever believe it, but I didn't care. We ordered the insanely expensive stuff, seventy-five dollars for a 1.75-ounce pour of premium Irish whiskey, because if you're doing a shot with Jesus, you don't buy him scotch.

Kevin Hearne